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(What do you expect from such simple creatures?) Their last name stays put. The garage is all theirs. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. They can be president. They can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell them the truth. The world is their urinal. They

…why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? …why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed? …why there’s no headline that reads “Psychic Wins Lottery?” …why “abbreviated” is such a long word!? …why doctors call what they do “practice?” …why you have to click on “Start” to stop Windows 98? …why

Oil Change instructions for Women: 1)Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee. 3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00 Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. A bicycle can’t stand-alone because it is two tired. 2. What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway. 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism it’s your count that votes. 6. She

FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to him. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. “How old are you?” “I’m four and a half!” You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him. SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in. FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer. SYMPTON: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate

OLD DIRT Hey Dad,” one of my kids asked the other day, “What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?” “We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up,” I informed him. “All the food was slow.” “C’mon, seriously. Where did you eat?” “It was a place called ‘at home,” I

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. 3. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive. 5. The Salvation Army

If a police officer in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene. Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an Illinois state law. A law in Oblong, Illinois

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He

Those Who Take Life Too Seriously.. 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like…night. 3. On the other hand…you have different fingers. 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 6. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 7. He who laughs last

TOP 10 WAYS THAT HANDGUNS ARE BETTER THAN A WOMAN #10 – You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s. #9 – You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you’re on the road. #8 – If you admire a friend’s handgun an! d tell him so, he will

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as: A. Lovemaking B. Screwing C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town. 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared: A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. B. Your blood-test

1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. 2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 3. It is OK for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. b. After

AK47-FART: Strangely enough, this sounds and feels like someone shoved an AK-47 Russian automatic rifle up your ass and laid on the trigger. Sit back and let it rip, because it goes on for a while. ALARM FART: This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a

It has been known for many years that Sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different sexual activities. Now after “original and proprietary” research we are proud to present the results. REMOVING HER CLOTHES: With her consent……………….. 12 Calories Without her consent…………. 187 Calories

Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him. What should I do? A: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results: Drink: Beer Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a

OK Bros – although it pains most of you to learn something from a lady, I think they may have us on this one….. Oil Changing Instructions for Women: 1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change. 2. Drink a cup of coffee. 3. 15 minutes later,

Sarge’s Disclamer – “Don’t Shoot The Messenger, This Was How It Was Told To Me!” ——————————————- How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. ——————————————- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here! 2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let’s go fuck. 3. Your body’s name must be Visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be. 4. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just

Keywords and their meanings: “Fine”: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. “Five minutes”: This is half an

This one’s for the ladies…. 1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are. 2. You’ve just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room. 3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone’s ass. 4. In your last trip to “pee” you realize you now look