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by jj solari

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Dear Reader; What follows is something from the “FAITH-BASED BIKERNET PERSONAL BETTERMENT FILES” long since thought destroyed but apparently those orders were not followed. We are not enemies of spiritual betterment and personal improvement here, our chapel-like environs are welcoming of all pilgrims and travelers along the road of brotherhood and good will. Hence……..this thing.

1: I am one of those Christian motherfuckers. If I’m anything at all, that would be the word to use. The “Christian” word. Not the “motherfucker” word. Oh, ok, what the fuck: use both of ‘em.

2: I don’t just BELIEVE the Bible, I can see very very clearly that it's an accurate record of actual events by actual people and also non-people from I GUESS other dimensions. Ya know, angels and shit. Which is why I mock “broadcast-atheists.” As often as possible. Ya know, the people who are not quietly atheists and just living their fucking lives, I mean, why would they care if someone else has a fucking deity? No, it’s the atheists who have to broadcast their “gift of reason.” They couldn’t reason their way down of a supermarket aisle. And they're ALL little snotty shits, by the way. It's not as though they actually brawl with anyone to defend their shitty little strutting arrogance. Not that anyone actually takes a swing at the little fuckers. Which is a mistake.

3: I easily grant the deity who claims to be the ONLY deity in existence - named I AM - I totally am willing to grant him or her or it sovereign rule over his or her or its own creation. Which is apparently everything.

4: HOWEVER....I have a REAL FUCKING PROBLEM with this "Vengeance is mine" thing that he keeps saying: this fucking Declaration Of Property Ownership that God says belongs to him and him alone. But, hey - He created truth. He didn’t create lies. Other entities came up with those. So in other words, God says vengeance is his private property?….it must be true. But - just so you know, in case you were wondering - I am NOT happy about it. I routinely ask God “Well, ok, vengeance is yours, but I was wondering if I could borrow it for a day or two? I have some real mother fucking assholes that need straightening out: permanently. PLUS….I don’t want any hassles from the authorities. And if you don’t know what the authorities are, just ask Jesus. He’ll give you an earful on THAT topic.”

So far I have not gotten an answer one way or the other. And that's a bit aggravating. They say we all have a cross to bear? This is mine: God declaring to having a monopoly on vengeance. It just freezes me AND my nuts in a kind of paralysis from time to time, like, I’m itching to move toward the target that needs removing but I’m nailed to the floor.

Now if I just BELIEVED God exists rather than KNOW God exists, what the fuck, I would be doing vengeance routinely and chalking it up to, “Well, ya know, I'm just a poor sinner and I succumbed to weakness, Please forgive me, Lord.” That kinda thing. But I don’t BELIEVE God’s existence, I’m CONVINCED of it.

As for you? I don’t give a fuck what you believe or are convinced of. It’s your business. Not mine. Anyway, it’s not a belief-system with me. It’s a “Yeah, ok, I get it,” system. I seen the fucking historical record that he exists. Now the same people who say the Biblical record is fiction....will believe Columbus sailed a boat two feet long across a 3-4 thousand mile uncharted oceanic voyage no one had ever done before. They'll believe that.

Based on the historical record. But not the Bible. Which is a historical record. Atheists are pretty fucking flighty about what histories they are going to believe and what ones they’re going to shitcan. They apparently have some innate fucking History Validator that tells them what histories are accurate and what histories are not. They’re like the people who say “global greenhouse science is science” and “covid science is science,” but that the biological science of “two sexes” is NOT science. They’re screaming little disgusting insects that need to be crushed underfoot by a thousand ton mastodon on meth in other words. You can SEE I have fucking anger issues.

Getting back to this vengeance thing: while I have yet to get the go-ahead on borrowing some of God's vengeance, I ROUTINELY go over to the perennially empty vast, and I do mean vast, Santa Anita Race Track parking lot grounds and environs and make out-loud, sky-facing inquiries about if-and-when God is going to take some of that fucking vengeance he claims to be in charge of and getting off his water-into-wine-drinking ass and start taking care of business.....and then I list the targets of day.

Now you might say "Well, that's pretty brazen. Seems a bit risky, tempting the Lord. He himself claims that's a bad idea." Well before you go into Admonition Mode let me calm you down just a bit. For one thing I'm not "tempting the Lord." I'm in a fucking meeting with the Lord. It’s basically a sit-down. In a sit-down you state your fucking case. It ain’t a slugfest. It’s a decision-making prelude. You make decisions REGARDING violence. You don’t DO the violence at the sit-down. So that’s what this is. Me and God are having a talk about fucking some people up.

God says he’s the only one authorized to do the fucking. But nothing in the rules says a petitioner can’t come in and say he has a problem that needs some vengeful attention. He says vengeance is His and I'm not contradicting the Sumbitch. I'm not doing that. I'm saying that I'm good with that. I’m not REALLY good with it, but, ya know, I'm trying to be fucking civil with the proclaimed Deity who spent 6,000 fucking years of human history proving he is the Deity with no OTHER deities showing up and saying “This deity has his head up his ass. He ain’t the deity: I’m the fucking deity.” So far that ain’t happened.

What I AM saying to the Deity is “There's this really heinous clusterfuck going on over here or over there or behind this dumpster that You REALLY need to take a good look at because I know there's probly a LOTTA shit going on you PROBABLY don't like but I DON'T THINK You've noticed this little shitpile over here that I know if EYE was You, that little shitpile over here would be melted slag right now." That's what I say out loud, up to the sky, in the center of the vast sea of asphalt of the Santa Anita Race Track parking lot that has only me in it and the occasional crow flying over.

What this DOES is it calms me down. I’ve said my little piece to the Vengeance-Keeper-Proprietor Anomaly, and since I am convinced he actually does fucking exist, I know I’ve been ‘heard.’ This ain’t fucking “faith.” This is fucking “Oh: whoa; you really exist. Ok. Well fuck me running, here’s the deal….” Then comes the complaint. I know it’s being noticed. That’s different from whatever in the fuck BELIEF is. I BELIEVE I’m gonna fuck Paris Hilton at some point before she gets into the hag zone. I actually believe this. The ODDS are it won’t happen. But I figure fuck the odds. And we know how THAT attitude always plays out.

I should tell you, God has yet to take action on even ONE of my suggestions-for-removal-by-preferably-nuclear-means applications. Does this piss me off? A little. But I don’t go into Rebellion Mode. The last time I heard about that happening it resulted in me being born into a world filled with fucking shitheads. IN FACT God didn’t stop with the Vengeance Mode in Eden: God’s vengeance-circuits ROUTINELY kicked-in even after the Eden shitshow.

Just ONE example, some guy named Onan was ORDERED BY GOD, the creator of cocks and pussies, to use his cock to fuck someone’s pussy. That’s right, he told a guy to fuck a broad. None o’ this gay shit, this “dick-into-Bob’s-Anus” shit, he told Onan to fuck Brenda or Marge or someone and Onan thought he would be clever and yeah he fucked her but then he jizzed his “seed” onto her tits or her face or some damn place because he didn’t want her getting pregnant.

But God DID want her pregnant. Jizz is “seed” in Bible talk. Why anyone thinks the fucking bible is boring I don’t know. Anyway, when God tells you to fuck someone you should PROBABLY not assume it’s for a porno flick where the viewer wants to see the actual jizz. You should send that jizz up the designated repopulation siphon and not try to get cute. When God tells you to fuck someone either clarify the details with him beforehand so there’s no miscommunications or else just assume he means “fuck,” that is, squirt your jizz up her pussy and don’t revise and edit the original assignment.

Now there’s likely some “believers” who are saying, “Well, I don’t think when you are suggesting God should kill someone… I don’t think you can say that’s not “tempting the Lord.” Well actually I can say that. Jesus - who according to the historical record says he’s the human duplicate of the Bible Deity - Jesus says “Don’t be afraid to ask God anything.” And then, in typical Jesus ingenious detail he said “If you go to the Place of Petitioning and you ask the Petitions Magistrate for what you think is justice, does he throw a pile of writhing poisonous snakes at you?….even though personally he is very likely a piece of shit - that I love for some reason - but he’s a personal piece of shit same as you? Who I also love? For some reason? So why do you think He Who Has No Sin And Is Totally Fair - unlike yourself - … going to fuck you up for making a request? Tell God what you want. Worst that can happen is NOTHING or you get a “No.” Who knows, you might get a ‘Ok, whatdafuck.’ You WON’T get snakes.”

So that’s where I’m coming from when I’m in the Santa Anita Race Track parking lot yelling up at the clouds, “Are you paying attention to what (and then the name goes here: USUALLY a fucking bureaucrat) is doing NOW? How long you gonna let this fuckhead motherfucker remain intact and in operation? Where’s that vengeance hammer you claim to have a lock on? Did you lose the fucking key? SMASH this cocksucker! Ok, Mister ‘Slow To Anger’ I get it: you’re ‘slow to anger.’ Ok. Whatever. But really: this is drifting into Rip Van Winkle level of Slow. You’ve heard of Bennies, right? Do you drink coffee at all? Are you just TIRED???? Is this still part of the ‘on the 7th day you rested’ thing going on here?”

So far this hasn’t worked. But I’m AS YET not covered in snakes. And I always leave the parking lot a lot calmer. Well, noticeably calmer. To some extent. Maybe you’ll have better luck. For one thing maybe don’t hack your nuts when you’re going through this tirade. That’s usually what I’m doing. Maybe that’s, I dunno, a decorum violation. I don’t fucking know! Ok? Whatever, I don’t have no snakes on me. So far. Good luck!

Lemmee know if it works out. Maybe you can gimmee a heads-up on your approach.

_J.J. Solari

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