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Why Bikernet Journalists Are the Only Real Journalists in America

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By J.J. Solari with images from Sam Burns

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All over the English-speaking-world journalist hacks are asking each other "Why is it that Bikernet journalists are so much better than us? While we, on the other hand, are just useless meaningless carbuncles on the ship of literary history? And parchment fragments in the Museum of Bad Writing Skills??"

This is what they're asking themselves. I know: it's pathetic. No one ever said journalists......well, weren't pathetic. And there's a reason.

As you know, the long tradition in journalism is that no one should actually be possessed of any actual writing ability. In other words, no one should be better than anyone else at bad sentence construction and at achieving successfully-communicated absence of content. All should be equally mediocre word-slingers if not actually out-and-out incompetent prehistoric troglodytes. This is the Guiding Principle of journalism.

You'll noticed I've used the word "actual" in one form or another three times in one of those sentences. This is to emphasize the importance the Journalist Aggregate places upon their members not having any actual writing talent. Or any other talents for that matter. Whereas Bikernet writers have so much talent they can actually write while sober. Which of course is taboo in the Journalism Cult, writing sober. Journalists pride themselves on being so drunk so often that bad, wandering, vague, pointless, incorrect, shoddy sentences and paragraphs appear to them to be lines composed in Heaven by Greek Gods via quills dipped in Sacred Semen extracted with great stealth from the steaming, swaying balls of the Minotaur.

The only difficult part of writing drunk for a Non-Bikernet journalist is hiding the bottles from Mom, or in the case of married Non-Bikernet journalists, from their same-sex partner. NOT that the same sex partner would have a problem with the liquor ingestion, unlike Mom. Still, unless the same-sex partner is another Non-Bikernet journalist...there's going to be some discussion from time to time regarding the - you would think lethal - quantities the Non-Bikernet journalist partner is guzzling.

Bikernet journalists drink, but not so that they can stand to read their own writing. They drink for its own sake. Bikernet journalists do as many things as possible that are inherently fun and interesting just for the sake of doing them: among which would be riding motorcycles and having heterosexual sex.

For you see Bikernet journalists do not start out "wanting to write." Unlike Non-Bikernet journalists. They don't start out with the dream of being famous for doing absolutely nothing, like, say the Kardashians or people holding public office. For another thing Bikernet journalists are familiar with "the real world." Unlike Non-Bikernet journalists.

There are reasons for this. And it has to do with what is called "college." Which is where "real" journalists, or Non-Bikernet journalists in other words, go to have their brains extracted and to have Greta Thunberg installed in there instead. Bikernet journalists don't go to college. They go to work. Whole different universe from where college journalists reside. As I will now explain.

"College," which is where Non-Bikernet journalists come from, is a place where people go to learn that reality is not actually in existence. In college you are "told," though it's more of a permeating vibe, to use hippy terminology, that the loftiest minds in human history are the minds of something called "philosophers."

"Philosophers" are people who make, or once made before they died, daydreamed pronouncements about the proclaimed fact, (or fake news!) that things in existence are not really there. They then "backed this up" with "reasoned preposterousness" that proves the validity of their original proposition: that nothing actually exists.

Chief among these "thinkers" and with varying degrees of contact with reality were people like No-First-Name Plato, Rene Descartes, Immanuel Kant, David Hume, Arthur Schopenhauer, Georg Hegel, Soren Kierkegaard, John Locke, Friedrich Nietzsche, Baruch Spinoza, Professor Irwin Corey and approximately one million other gentlemen who 'thought' about things.

Philosophers are the first Non-Bikernet journalists. The operating programming of journalists as a result of their forced feeding of "philosophers" in college is: reality doesn't exist; therefore do what I say.

Bikernet journalists, by way of contrast, have the premise that..... "Reality is actually there: so I’m going in to check it out and report back. Take what I have to say or leave it. Thank you and fuck you. No, really: fuck you. Thank you."

This is an open-eyed and an all-in attitude that is horrific and terrifying to a Non-Bikernet journalist.

Which is why all Non-Bikernet journalists focus and have as their prime motivator..... getting people who actually do things and don’t want to be fucked with; getting them into one form or another of what is currently called "lockdown," be it mental, physical or spiritual. Once everything is locked down and nothing is Non-Bikernet journalists will go to sleep and be calm at last.

Until then, Non-Bikernet journalists love anything that is 1: a lie and 2: fraught with folly. That is why "political science" is their favorite mental playground because it's both. Political science is their deity and religion and their reason to live and their reason, nothing remotely close to being rational or scientific. Politics is "survival based on deception and misdirection needs a name change. And "Political Science" rather than "criminal behavior" gets that job done.

Non-Bikernet journalists in college also learn something called "economics." Which is also not only not a science, it's not even a mode of behavior, unlike politics.

Economics - in reality - has one operating principle: the "law" of supply and demand. Period. And it's not even a law, it's just a "here's what's gonna happen" observation based on past observations. But in college economics is a delirious never-ending maze of fractals filling millions of badly-written textbooks that can never be fully explored or understood except by Marxists.

Non-Bikernet journalists in college also learn something called "sociology." Sociology is the denial of individual identity and the proclaiming of "the group" as the most basic, indivisible entity humans are capable of existing in via an "identity." There is only group identity in other words.

Meanwhile keep in mind Bikernet journalists are not "learning" ANY of this crap. And there's a reason which I will go into soon.

So, you're in college, you learn that reality doesn't exist. You, in particular may or may not exist, politics is a science, economics is an actual course of study, and only groups, not individuals, matter. And when it comes to groups there are only four that hold actual potential power to demand obedience: the government: the church: the "people:" and journalists. These are called "the four Estates."

It used to be the three Estates. Journalists declared themselves an "Estate" and the other three Estates actually what bureaucrats are doing to you because of their fear of a bad press. Like 'em or hate 'em, the fourth Estate is actually in charge of things in the "free" world. This is quite an achievement for the Non-Bikernet journalists to have accomplished. Shows you how STUPID the other three Estates are.

Meanwhile let's return to Bikernet journalists.

Bikernet journalists, before they become Bikernet journalists, are people found usually under rockpiles, inside rotted logs, behind dumpsters, wandering on foot across the desert, on parole, on rocky shoreline cliffs, fucked up, and literally barking at the moon, falling down drunk on the sidewalk, stumbling panicked through the forest shouting "They live!!" or slumped at a bar counter facedown in the bean dip, or ejaculating in whore houses, or maybe in houses they have turned INTO whore houses for as long as it takes to bone Senyore Fuckhead's wife or daughter.

It's often the case that these people can't read, forget about writing. However most of them have actually heard all the names of all the letters of the alphabet, so teaching them how to pronounce them in "long" and "short" versions for the vowels et cetera, the sounds the consonants make and so on....they learn how to read and write at the Bikernet Remedial ABC-WTF Academy tons faster than kids in school learn, one reason being actual desire and the other being you can smoke, drink and grab teacher's titties and no one has a problem with it.

Plus, the course and curriculum were created by someone that sheer absolute modesty forbids me to identify. Plus, it's free. Teachin' someone to read and write is a duty in charity. It's like teachin' someone to swim. It just needs doin', is all. Plus, it ain't that hard. Math? Different animal. Different critter. Let's not even fuckin' go there, ok? And when does a fuckin' journalist ever add up a column of figures. Fucking never.

Bikernet journalists are different from the asshole or "normal" kind of journalist, (once they learn to spell and form letters freehand, etc) in that they don't pretend to be "exposing and declaring catastrophes" to keep YOU from harm. They figure fuck you. If they write about something it's about how it affects them personally.

If you're anything LIKE them, you'll take the hint and either get on board or stay the fuck away from whatever it is. Whereas journalists from "real news outlets" all wear a grandly-displayed holy garment of “concerningness" for YOUR welfare. Like as though some parasite living in his mom's laundry room actually gives a shit about you. "Normal" journalists want everything to rot and disappear so that the whole earth population will be living like they have to live: as parasites off someone else.

They dress this all up in saintly nail-biting about your health and safety. But they're fucking lying. Bikernet journalists don't lie. They say "This is pretty cool, check it out" or they say "This is majorly fucked up, have a clue, steer clear of this shit." Based on their own experience and personal investigation. "Normal" journalists just make shit up and tell you if you don't obey them, you are a guilty and uncaring threat to "society." Society is them, by the way. Not you.

"Real" journalists use a different dictionary than Bikernet journalists. For instance, in "real" journalism Islam is a race. Not a religion. And Muslims are also a race. So, let's say you have a problem with Islam and/or Muslims, and I know, we are really using our imaginations to the limit here, but let's say that you have this problem. Normal journalists will say you are a racist.

In the real, non-philosopher world, "Islamophobia" is a condition that doesn't actually exist, even though "real" journalists insist it does. No one actually fears Muslims or Islam. Other than Muslim women and children. To a Non-Bikernet journalist a "phobia" is newly-defined as "having a conviction that differs from the edicts of a journalist."

In Non-Bikernet journalism "science" is defined as "whatever all the journalists and bureaucrats working in tandem claim is the case." Keep in mind that journalists and bureaucrats never propose hypotheses, run experiments, check results, form conclusions, leading to further hypotheses. Which is what actual science is. "Real" journalists and bureaucrats have no idea what any of that "hypothesis-test-conclusion" stuff even is forget about doing any of it.

For instance, "real" journalists' new and latest now-hear-this science proclamation is about the "earth wobbling as a result of the industrial revolution and you in particular causing glaciers to melt." And no, I am not making this up.

Just this week, even as this is being typed by me between shots of tequila and puffs of cigars, the journalist "science" cult has declared that the earth is going all freaky in its rotation due to glaciers melting due to human progress.

APPARENTLY the asshole idiot journalist unemployable parasites living off Mom are convinced that when a glacier loses water in the form of ice and has that water run off its sides and out across the land in tiny trickles and eventually into the sea....that it disappears from existence and thus causes the earth to weigh less and thus wobble erratically and thus killing us all unless we stop using "fossil fuels.”

To prove it you need to measure it with Star Trek technology proving wobbling the earth due to weight-shifts....meanwhile, it doesn't matter to the journalist college graduates that all the oceans of the world slap and slosh billions of megatons of water back and forth onto the beaches and shorelines day after day via something called "the tides"....that has no effect on the earth's "wobbling parameters." But slowly trickling water draining from a fucking glacier causes the entire fucking 4-billion-year-old planet to spiral out of control and thus killing us all.

Does it matter that the CONTINENTS actually changed locations by thousands of miles over the course of all the time in billions of years that the earth has been spinning on its axis? No: you using refrigeration, heat and fuel, and hydroelectric electricity, and thus and thereby causing the glaciers to melt in your reckless pursuit of comfort and some kind of a LIFE is what is threatening us all.

Does it matter that volcanos are puking a lot more weight off the terrain and into the atmosphere day after fucking day all over the planet than the glaciers, restricted to the polar regions, are tricking into the sea?

Does it matter that the polar ocean Up North is not even landlocked but is a moving wandering fucking morass of thick fucking ice-vistas that never stops AND it changes it's mass by trillions of tons annually, growing and shrinking and wandering the fuck all over the place?

Does it matter that ten billion fucktillion tons of water are lifted off the oceans via evaporation every second without the earth going apeshit wondering "Why do I weigh less???" No, because, oh dear, it's always the fucking glaciers that are what need to be nurtured and kept intact and coddled and caressed like Biden meeting a new child or else we will perish as the Fourth and Third Estates have decreed. And why glaciers? Because hack journalists proclaim their conclusions regarding your behavior based upon something that has no fucking bearing on ANYTHING..... and declare it your fault, so you need to obey the journalists and the bureaucrats. Because they're so motherfucking smart.

This is the journalist mentality, ladies and gentlemen. Thank God for Bikernet, uh? You tell a Bikernet journalist we are all going to die because the glaciers are spinning the earth out of control unless he stops riding his motorcycle....he's going to probably beat the fucking shit out of you.

When was the last time you heard of a "real" journalist beating the fucking shit out of anyone. They have a fucking heart attack when they see road kill.

They watch Craig LeBeau in his Science Fiction Spawned Tree Eradicator saw a pine tree off its stump and remove all the branches and place it onto a pile of 200-foot-long logs all in one second on Mud Mountain Haulers.......they actually require smelling salts to bring them back to consciousness.

In other words, what I'm saying is, "real" journalists are hypersensitive, hyperfrightened, mommas boys. The Non-Bikernet journalist WOMEN, if you can call them women, have SOME manliness, I'll give them that.

Bikernet journalists of the female variety, on the other hand, are all very girly and delightful. If you say to them "That's some nice assflesh you're displayin' in them camel-toe'd daisy dukes with no underwear there, cutie, I would sure like to give them shorts a pull-aside and see if maybe that's a pussy I wouldn't mind stickin' my dick in."

She'll respond, "Why, aren't you the impudent rascal, you flatter-flinging imp. Now, you just behave yourself while I get you a cold beer to calm that roaring libido of yours and then MAYBE, once we get that raging cock of yours under control, we can maybe start this relationship again.

College-bred female journalist ain't gonna react like that. She's gonna have you up on verbal-assault charges. Unless you have a vagina. Then things'll turn out different and more amiable. Pro'bly.

So now that you know that Bikernet journalists are superior journalists and will be a delight to be around at all further gatherings with friends and loved ones! You're welcome!!

--J.J. Solari

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Reader Comments

Man, I got lost after the first few sentences. I like the pictures a whole lot more than the writing, I guess I'll start over again.

Ruben Serrano Sr.
Sinton, TX
Thursday, May 6, 2021
Editor Response He has his own style. He made the same comment to me after I posted it...
What did he say again ? In layman's language please . BTW. job well done . G

Torrance, CA
Tuesday, May 4, 2021
Editor Response Thanks, it's all about being out there of the edge of the literary universe.

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