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Sheriff Patrick Withrow vs The American Biker Menace on Sept 24, 2022

8000 bikers cowered in fear at the dire warnings of merciless confrontation and retribution via the wrath of Sheriff Patrick Withrow, Armed Guardian of the Public Good.

By J.J. Solari

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It is only the prescient premonitions of Sheriff Patrick Withrow, fabled and mighty guardian of the public peace in the Ca. County of San Joaquin and his promise of rapid deployment of an army of warriors, no doubt summoned up from the very earth, bursting through the surface, fully grown and fully armored, like Myrmidons, should he sense or detect or hear about or get wind of or read a text concerning or perhaps by telepathy acquire even the hint of an instigating of the menacing, city-destroying behavior that clubbed-up bikers are relentlessly determined to manifest……that saved America from an overthrow of our sacred democracy that threatened to be even more catastrophic than the armed and torch-hurling attack by insurgent terrorists on Jan 6th when the Capitol Building in Washington DC was destroyed.

San Joaquin County, and in fact all of the world, can now, the crisis averted, pay homage and respect and perhaps small pastry desserts and maybe bits of shiny tinfoil to the Chesty Puller of our time: Sheriff Gwyneth Paltrow. Correction. Sheriff Patrick Withrow.

I confuse the two because they are almost identical icons of meaningfulness and accomplishment: I see them as one unified entity of insight and perspicacity-unrelenting in the pursuit of greatness.

The Hells Angels, determined destroyers of Nations and notorious eradicators of cities and intruding marauders into communities of peace and calm and turning all into pyres of heavens-scorching infernos wherein all perish…. clearly thought they could do to Stockton what they did to Poland and 90% of Europe in WW2. They did not count on the resolve of Field Marshall Sheriff Patrick Withrow.

It did not matter to the ever-resourceful Withrow that the Hells Angels had bolstered their heinous numbers with allies-in-mayhem from dozens of other nefarious warlord biker tribes, this bringing the estimated number of miscreants prepared to overrun the land to 8,000 plus.

Withrow laughed at this. It could have been 80,000 and this gifted warrior from On High would have greeted them with one foot atop a felled rum barrel, his fists against his hips and a hearty “Ha-HAAAAA!” booming from his countenance; the message in this lusty ha-haaa being, clearly, “Bring your scurvy slime essences into my domain and it is there that you shall learn defeat, O squalid ones.”

Needless to say, there was no trouble. The bikers, mindful of the consequences of defeat in an all-out strategic battle with the author of the fearless warnings and even goading dares of the Mighty Withrow juggernaut of power, they stayed within their emotional dens of miserable pack-mentality, terrified of an encounter with the unrelenting resolve of Withrow The Merciless, whose fame and praises are already sung in books and articles regarding the event and in some church hymnals.

Today the citizens of Stockton and San Joaquin County and the State of California and all of America owe to Sheriff Patrick Withrow….their very lives. Will Sheriff Withrow go to the Ukraine to confront the warring parties there and demand they cease hostilities lest he take measures to cease their hostilities FOR them? The world awaits. No less an international phenom than Joe Biden has said regarding the Withrow Doctrine regarding the Ukraine as it is now called, “So fraught with alumni when I was a boy in the Ukrainian schoolhouse of departure. I could not retreat into the forest of the domain. For that was my hairy leg.”

What is the response of Sheriff Patrick Withrow to this outpouring of gratitude for his caring and protection and selfless devotion to the preservation of our sacred democracy that is forever in danger from renegade devotees of the rampant and unfettered and unrestricted “Do whatever you like” irresponsible attitude and mantra of the sex and violence crazed mockers of law and order? You ask?

His response is a smile of calm and assuredness that the gentle citizenry, not just of San Joaquin County, but of all the earth can sleep in quietude and safety because He Who Loves And Cares For Us All, Sheriff Patrick Withrow, watches over us, and like an extra two or three surgical masks, keeps us safe. God bless you Sheriff Withrow.

We are forever rejoiceful at your selfless sacrifices on our behalf. The Hells Angels, the Mongols, the Bandidos, the Pagans, the Sons of Silence, and, yes, the Mothers of Invention, all have been, at least for now, corralled and penned into cages of fear and despair at the thwarting of their crazed need to empty into the streets with the hooligan lifestyles of swung chains and hurled beer bottles: for alcohol makes them lose control. As Sheriff Paltrow duly suggested in his forewarning press conference regarding the mongrel mountebanks who sought to destroy us with their beer and their lust and their words on the backs of their clothing.

These highway ruffians will always remember their day of shame when Sheriff Withrow closed-down their diabolical plans to ruin our beautifully running State of California that Gavin Newsom has orchestrated into a symphony of symmetry and sophistication. Never again will this horde of
filth and foulness be a threat to the borders and boundary lines of the Withrow Protectorate.

They came; they saw; they fled. And all returned to calm without a shot being fired and without a blow being thrown and without an arrest being made. Because bikers learned at long last the meaning of FEAR. Because of Sheriff Patrick Paltrow….Master of intelligence over feral interlopers. Like Cesar Milan with chihuahuas, he showed the pack animals of America who the real pack leader is. And that is the County Sheriff of San Joaquin County Place Area Location Spot Map Section Terrain no one ever heard of. Now known worldwide as the one place where trouble thinks twice about even contemplating the trouble that trouble first thought of the first time before it thought twice about it: Withrow County!

--J.J. Solari, Hackmeister General and lover of all things law enforcement.

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