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SciFi Satire: Gavin Newsom and the Doomed Planet

LA Times’ Love of the Idiot Gavin Newsom

by J.J. Solari, with images from Sam Burns

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Dear LA Times Editors and Hacks; I’m guessing everyone with a hack-degree at the Times sees in Gavin Newsom an intellectual kindred spirit, since the lot of you, and him, are all  ideologically comatose clumps of algae.

I notice none of you editors and hacks at this glorified real-estate flyer you call a newspaper are having any kind of problem with Gavin Newsom’s multi-billion dollar “plan” to alter the climate I GUESS only within the borders of California. Like anyone can fucking do that.

Since you failed novelists and sub par essayists are not ripping Newsom a brand new alimentary canal nor reaming his fundament conduit with your Pulitzer Prize-losing prose I can only assume that you, like him, are convinced “climate” obeys geographical boundaries and that the climate in California extends from ground level upwards in a straight, California-shaped, ascending rectangle, all the way to the stratosphere….and never moves to the left or the right to go somewhere else.

So, he’s gonna spend 40 billion dollars on….changing the fucking weather. Just in California. Accomplishing something that has never been done before or ever been considered before until, apparently, Al Gore decided this was a money bin ready to be filled. 40 billion dollars to create - by decree, like fucking Zeus - control of the weather, by gifting currency to I guess professional climate alter-ators…. none of which money is HIS money.

Apaches just perform a dance routine when they want to influence meteorology. I’m guessing that Newsom….. like all of you hacks and bosses-of-hacks, are tone-deaf and devoid of rhythmic responses to tempo and all move on the dance floor like migrating elk bracing against an icy windstorm in January in deep snow… not capable of performing an Apache rain dance. Hence the 40 billion to…I dunno, a DIFFERENT Indian tribe?

I’m a member of the Screen Actors Guild and you hacks know WE’RE all idiots, we’re even dumber than you hacks, we need other people to write our dialogue, While you, all being failed novelists, you can at least put your own sentences together. Newsom can’t even do that, at least not sentences anyone can make any sense out of. Everything he says and does is idiotic. Even you have to be able to see that. You all went to school. Newsom went to PROBABLY hunter Biden’s house to have a fellow idiot to play Donkey Kong with. That was his school: Hunter Biden’s house. No wonder he’s a fuckhead.

Is there some reason the lot of you never ask that idiot tooth-filled rictus, Grinning Gavin, how it is he comes to the knowledge without evidence, tests, proof, theories, conjectures, guesses, intuitions, ouija boards, tea leaves, sorcerers, prophets, seers, wizards or the application of gerbils rectally, how it is someone who can’t formulate a coherent sentence about ANYTHING…..1: knows how to alter the climate of a planet and 2: knows his plan, whatever the fuck it even is, will work.

You hacks and I all know that 40 billion dollars to alter global climate on a planet 25,000 fucking miles in diameter is not going to do shit, so who is getting this money and why. And after they get it will any of you lowlife prose-wielding drunks keep a chart on which new billionaire is actually getting RESULTS?

I’m guessing no. Because that would be actually productive rather than annoying. Which is all you journalists ever create: annoyance. It’s like it’s in your fucking DNA.

Most Sincerely And With Annoyance Created By You,
J.J. Solari
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Reader Comments

I liked the article! That's why I am trying to get the hell out of California as soon as possible, before they squeeze another hard-earned dollar out of my pocket, let alone $40 billion out of the state of taxpayers!

John Gray
Fawnskin, CA
Thursday, July 7, 2022
Editor Response I did, and I love everyday in South Dakota. This place is amazing and no traffic...
I have to agree like everything today extremes be it right or left seem to carry the day. What happened to fact based common sense ? Even if it involve that much dreaded word compromise.

South Daytona, FL
Sunday, July 3, 2022
Editor Response It's a war (or a competition) for control.


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