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J.J. Solari is desperate for something to write about...

By J.J. Solari with help from Sam Burns

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There's a reason we're fucked. It’s because we're stupid.

This is a bread package from our kitchen. This bread, as you can clearly see, supports digestive health. Three words stuck together that have absolutely no communication value. “Supports" means it doesn’t fuck up your digestive health. It won’t say to your digestive health, “Gut some bad news for ya, pardner: me and you are parting company. It’s via vietcong con dios, mi compadre puto. No more digestive supportage for you.” In other words…… there is no actual meaning to "supports digestive health." It supports it.

That means, if it means anything, it doesn’t fuck it up. It doesn’t fuck-up the health of your digestive. Your digestive stays totally healthed and intact when you eat this. It means it's compatible with digestive health. You'll notice it doesn’t say "digestion" health. That would ALMOST have a meaning and could possibly be actionable in a contrived lawsuit. Because all this jibberjabber is about avoiding lawsuits for making false claims. But if you make NO claims and disguise your meaningless random-word-generator enough to where it SEEMS to be saying something......the American Moron Voter will go "(burp) Guess I’ll buy this! It will make me digest healthier and more powerfully and with support! Like a fuckin’ jockstrap! The balls of my digestives will be supported and hoisted into glory!!! Creeflo?

Quit fuckin’ the mule and give a listen!…… I gut a jockstrap on my digestive balls!!!”

She understands...
She understands...

The words, “supports digestive health,” you may have noticed, assuming you notice things, have an explosion of light behind them. This is to convince you that these three words are like unto a visitation from Jesus, filled with light and understanding and a mind-awakening revelation of truth. “Supports digestive health" isn't just THERE, it's there with Holy Ghost Illumination radiating from the vaults of The Most High and bursting through the firmament like a nova releasing its elements unto the stars to create new worlds and abundant life.

"Supports digestive health" is thus not only NOT meaningless drooling slobber, it is in fact granted a place in the celestial plasma-field of enlightenment, with yellow rays of abundant, life-giving sunlight, that gives life to all, bursting off the cellophane and into your heart and mind and transforming words idiotically-assembled with no context or even a reason for existing into suddenly becoming incentives to ACTION: the action being you pick up whatever this circular lump of air is and walk it over to the cashier and trade some money for it in digestive health supportedness and inclusivitosity journied sustaintanceness. Halleluia.

--J.J. Solari

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