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Preamble Progress Report

The return of the Wise Cracker

By J.J. Solari with images and cartoons from Sam Burns

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"We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America."

Dear People of the United States, up to and including all the illegals which would be most of you: as a compositioner, or, to put it another way, as one of 55 authors of the Constitution, I have been asked by no one in particular to come back to Earth and to give a report, a finding, a resume’, a status update if you will, if if I may, or as it were, of how the statements issued by the Preamble have fared as to actually having been achieved. As it were. I did not receive this request without some bit of annoyance on my part. The Preamble is Sacred. It’s the introduction to Our Sacred Democracy. I personally think it is above reproach, above criticism, above discussion and off the table as a matter for any kind of analysis. It is perfection in compositional form. It is inspired by the God of the Bible with help from some of the lesser deities of the pantheon and the Great Architect of The Universe who is revealed only to the upper levels of the Craft, blessings and peace be upon him.

So, much as I hate to, this being basically an untouchable, unreproachable, un critique-able, unassailable, unsoilable, unerring 52 words of absolute shining and glorious perfection, in short the mightiest and most majestic sentence ever written and composed and put to paper, I will allow myself to give it this Job Performance Review. Much as it goes against my sense of resolute and anchored-to-this-hallowed-ground patriotism.

Ok. So regarding item number one, this matter of forming a more perfect union: we have as yet not formed a more perfect union. It is pending. We are looking at it. For one thing "we" are bureaucrats. We are the "we" being referred-to in that "We the people" thing in the Preamble that has a lot of Marxist overtones and reverberations to it, I think you would have to agree. Even though Marx was not belching and farting his way through an unemployed life as-yet when this was "written." I say “written” but it was actually more of a collage of words cut and pasted together from a huge pile of suggested platitudes, actually. Anyway, we wrote “We” so that you would think “we” meant “You.” You in particular, which is not the case. You are not referred to in the Preamble. We are. Not you. Us. The people who concocted this, what would you call it, well, basically it’s a campaign promise. We concocted a campaign promise. It’s basically gas. From gasbags. But we are “enlightened” gasbags. We are the children of “the Age of Enlightenment” in which we discarded the nonsense of Christianity and substituted “Reason.” We then defined “reason” to mean “Whatever we decide.” Because we said so. Which seems MORE than reasonable to us.

Regardless, getting back to what I’m doing here, which is, giving a progress report on how the claims and intentions of the Preamble are faring, getting back to that….. as far as “establishing justice” is concerned?…..WE think we’re doing a good job of that. People we personally don’t like and maybe don’t even know are being jailed, laws are being proclaimed as “needing to be obeyed” almost faster than we can write them, and we do not have a bureaucrat in all of America in the poor house. We’re all doing ok. Which to us is fair and just.

I already know what you’re saying about the “forming a more perfect union” part. I know what you’re saying: “How can you know you are actually good at forming more-perfect unions when there are no examples of already-perfect unions that you have made more perfect and can use as examples of why you are qualified to more perfectly perfect the union that we already have?” That’s a very good question and not one that I am pleased to have asked of me. Because I don’t really have an answer that you would like, and I only have an answer that I like, and that would be, “Because we said so.”

Forming a more perfect union, you see, actually is not actually anything that makes any sense. For example, there is the implication that a perfect union is already in existence or in operation or in a jar somewhere, we don’t actually fucking goddamn know, and that we are going to take this union of perfection and gather it all together and after a great deal, or maybe even after a small deal, hard to say, since we don’t even know ourselves what the fuck we are talking about, after some period of time or period of construction or maybe of deconstruction or remodeling or something, we are going to make what is implied to be an already perfect union and make it MORE perfect…….. Well, I think you will agree, we might as well be talking Klingon as actually saying anything. I mean an idiot could see that we’re at Gavin Newsom/Justin Trudeau/Ocasio-Cortez level of shit on a shingle here.

However, “in order to FORM” this “more-perfect union”……that we don’t actually know how to do or even know what we are talking about……in order to do this…..we’ve written a blueprint. A Constitution. Or made-up rulebook, in other words. Or a manual. 4500 words long. Or instruction sheet. On how to do this. On how to accomplish The Preamble. Or, in other words, how to do this thing that actually can’t be made any sense out of. And even though we have no track record of having perfected perfect unions before…… we’re going to do this. We’re going to form a more perfect union. So that there will a unioned, or I should say a more or less perfected thing…. in the union. That we are forming and perfecting. We’re going to take a perfect union…..and More Perfection it. To where it will be more perfectly perfected. In unionable aspects. Throughout.

And the body of the Constitution will explain how the Preamble’s proclamation of goals and purposes and advisories and consents are to be made manifest, which will result in a more perfect Union. I know what you’re saying: how can something only 55 people created and only 39 people could bring themselves to actually sign bring itself into existence as a legal entity with the authority to create 10,000 more legal entities binding on people who not only were not there but were not even born yet? It’s called manifest destiny. Or historical necessity as I think Marx phrased it. That’s how. There are things that are bigger than your petty identity. And this is one of them.

Now, the Preamble not only proclaims the construction of a more perfect union, We The People are also going to do OTHER things! Oh, we’re not going to stop at just forming a more perfect union. No. That’s just the beginning, this business of forming a more perfect union. That’s just the start. Let me tell you what else we’re going to do. We are going to establish justice. How hard can THAT be? We’re going to just go right on out there and establish justice. I know what you’re saying: “That sounds like Greta Thunberg saying she is going to go right out there and lower the temperature of a planet. Specifically, the one she lives on. Whatever planet that might be.
Which has never been determined.”

I know that you’re saying that. I would have preferred that you had not said that, but I know that you said that, and I was more or less expecting you to say that. Which you did. But let me say this about that. That which you said. Then we will have both have said things. You remember earlier that we were, in order to, so that there would be, so that in the manner of, regarding unions, that we would have unions of a more perfect version of unions?….. you remember that, right? So why would you think, under the circumstances of THAT accomplishment, that we would not be able to establish justice? I don’t follow your logic! Because if you were to use ACTUAL logic, and certainly common sense, these two things would tell you that if we can make a perfect union more perfect…..establishing justice is, like, a step backwards in difficulty. Compared to forming a more perfect union. Wouldn’t you agree?

And, just for the record, as you can see, we have done that. We have established justice. As you can see. We have done that. Justice has been achieved. And established. As was foretold in the Preamble. That’s the reason we WROTE the Preamble: to establish justice. We wrote it: we did it. We established justice. It wasn’t just WORDS. We actually DID establish justice. As we said we would actually do in the Preamble. Did we say there were other things we would do in the Preamble? Yes. Yes, we did say other things in the Preamble that we would do. And I don’t mean to sound like Michael Scott here, but I DO think it’s important that you look at this matter squarely in the jaw and meet it head-on, spelled M-E-A-T. We’re going to MEAT it HEAD on. That’s what I think. And that’s what she said.

Ok, ok, haha, I admit, I’m having a little bit of fun with you here but let’s stop now and get back to business and let’s just get settled here and let’s just move along here and get to insuring, or ensuring, take your pick, the “domestic tranquility” part of this thing. Well: here I have you. I’ve got you right by the shorthairs if you are having a problem with the “ensuring the domestic tranquility” part of all this. Because we are TOTALLY domestically tranquil right here right now and thank you Jesus for THAT. Fuckin’ TOUCHdown. I got you, right? You’re with me on THIS one, right? Target acquired, Houston, target NEUTRALIZED! Tranquility Base, we are here!!! Whew!!! Not a bad achievement, right? Domestic tranquility. I just like saying it! We have this domestic tranquility thing NAILED.

Ok, let’s move on to the next one: promoting the general welfare. Now to any critics I would remind you that we DIDN’T say we would ACHIEVE the general welfare. We said we would PROMOTE it. Promote it, achieve it, go fuck a duck with it, either way I think you would agree, both are admirable endeavors. Promoting, achieving….two different things, I agree, or maybe they’re the same thing. I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure the Preamble knows. And I know what you’re saying, promoting the general welfare, that’s like a product “supporting heart health” which in legal terms means it’s not fucking poisonous: you eat it, your heart keeps beating. You don’t fucking die. So, it’s supporting heart health.

So, I know what you’re saying: you’re saying the Preamble is starting to sound more and more like windbag, blithering, meaningless, bromidic 18th Century-potentate English Royalty level Chuck Schumer, Nancy Pelosi, Jerry Brown Family utter and complete bilge from a commercial for “joint repair” or “brain support.” That’s likely what you’re saying. And let me tell you something: that’s extremely divisive. We need to come together here in agreement with me. Otherwise, there is strife. And there is also no domestic tranquility and certainly no justice, which means you are basically making a mockery of the Preamble because you are being unfair and untranquil. And there is no unfairness or untranquilness in justice. Justice is fairness. And tranquilizing. And justice is unhurtful. And you are being hurtful. You are not cooperating. As the first three words of the Preamble remind us, we are all in this together. So, let’s move on.

Provide for the common defense.

I know what you’re saying: the common defense was provided-for in the defeating of England, the most powerful nation on earth at the time…..without the Preamble.

Once again there is that unfairness rearing its ugly head. That defeat was a fluke. The common defense cannot be PROPERLY provided for without proclaiming it as a goal and that goal cannot be achieved without a proper statement of it AS a goal of what FOLLOWS the Preamble, which is, namely, the Constitution: which is the blueprint, the roadmap, the task force, the grand strategy, the 5-year-plan, the ray-zone day-tare, if you will, that will achieve, as it clearly has, all the goals stated in the Preamble. Including the common defense. It’s self-evident. And not only that but - it’s working.

The Constitution has achieved the goals and built back better the mandates and protocols and stay-safe precautions set-out by the Preamble PLUS it has secured the blessings of liberty for ourselves and for all those who will be born in America until the sun goes out. Meaning our posterity. People not even here yet. People not even conceived. People not even shot out of the semen shooter. We are in essence providing blessings for, dare I say?….all of mankind. Existing or not existing. Perhaps even deceased, motherfucker. Quite an achievement, I think you would agree. Jesus himself would be I think quite impressed with us here at Constitution Headquarters. I know what you’re saying: the body of the Constitution itself closely resembles Ancient Rome and the English Monarchy with a bit of Aleister Crowley and Madame Blavatsky thrown in.

Yeah, well, fuck you. Asshole. And where’s your goddamned fucking mask, prickface.

--J.J. Solari

Quick, join the Cantina. Touch her.
Quick, join the Cantina. Touch her.

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