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Meet the New H-D CEO

Jochen Zeitz, the newest CEO of Harley-Davidson

By J.J. Solari with images from ADAM magazine, Sam Burns and

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When I read the Wikipedia entry on Jochen Zeitz, the new CEO of Harley-Davidson, up until then only Jesus of Nazareth held in my mind the Golden Humanity Award and the "Awesome-And-Yet-One-Of-Us" trophy for Entity Excellence.

But now I have to say to Jesus, "J-ster dude?...... You might wanna get up from Your chair....and let this fucker sit down in it because, and this is no offense to you, my dead-and-resurrected Friend......But I am thinking this year of 2021......dated from Your birth, as I recall......might have to be renumbered as Year One. Because if YOU had taken over the management of Harley-Davidson....and this is no offense.....I do not think You would have gotten the write-up in Wikipedia that this Jochen dude got for himself. I mean, You You! or, Jesus Christ!..... to put it another way; this guy is a mixture of Albert Schweitzer, Rameses II, Joan of Arc, Tarzan, the Guggenheim Family, Pope Peter the First, Prometheus, Merlin, and maybe John Barrymore because I THINK he has a Screen Actors Guild card."

That's what I would have to say to Jesus regarding his replacement on the "What Actually Fucking Matters" roster. And you'll notice I capitalized all pronoun references to The Big J-dog when I was talking to him. 'Cause, hey: I only look stupid.

 But that was then and Jesus ain't here now. So, no more caps. He'll just have to fuckin' deal with it. Besides, he'll never know. You gonna tell 'im? Yeah, me neither.

So, yeah, this Jochem Zeitz dude what took-over the alleged buck-stops-here slot at HD. I mean.... this is gonna be a fucking piece o' cake for this rascal because he is a, and I am not making this up, he is a sustainability specialist. That's right, a "sustainability" specialist. What's that? I kidding? No I am NOT kidding. Yeah, I know, right? Fuckin'-A you're impressed, I hear ya, pal.

Ya know what "sustainability" means? I'll tell ya what it means, it means "no one knows what this means." How fucking cool is THAT!! And he is not just a sustainability SPECIALIST............he was once a sustainability OFFICER. That's is correct, mi amigo. A sustainability OFFICER in a company. That's right, he not only had a title, he might have actually even worn a military uniform. Like some Scientologists sometimes do. I think. At least in the Sea Org. You know, them ropes on the shoulders things?

Navy-type shit. He mighta even had medals. I mean....what more could a motorcycle manufacture and sales company ask for in a top decision maker than sustainment attributes enabling sustainability within a sustained environment empowering the visualization of attainment aligned with a diversity of inclusion coupled with a commitment to a varied range of broad-based objectives compatible with slow-growth incentives commensurate with real-time objectives. And not only that but having medals as well. And officer ranking. I mean.... Patton didn't have that much fruit salad on his chest. And "sustainability officer" is not his only achievement.

I strongly advise anyone who is interested in the history of this fucker's achievements, and apparently there are no failures or losses of ground with this dude, to go to the Wiki entry because I am far from worthy to itemize a list so bloated with accomplishments and awards and titles and achievements.

Maybe bloated isn't the right word. Maybe Impressively Resume'-ed is a better way to put it. I mean he is a combination of Aristotle, Yahweh, Madame Curie, Voltaire, Columbus, Copernicus, Scrooge McDuck, William the Conquerer, the Buddha, MAYBE L Ron Hubbard, I dunno, that would be quite an accomplishment I'm not sure if that's even possible, Mother Theresa, The Little Match Girl, Florence Nightingale, all of the Shriners, most of the Jesuits, some of the Franciscans and just a touch of Alexander the Great.

I mean....if anyone is ready to step into the job
of selling motorcycles it's this guy. This dude was BORRRNNNNN...... to sell motorcycles. And that's all there is to it. There is no discussion here. This maestro of human virtuosity who has salvaged planets from abuse and unsustainments throughout the galaxy and who has saved wildlife on land, on sea, in the air and has paved the way for processes to reduce solar heating on the surface of the sun and who has shown humanity that there is a nobler and more enlightened way of accelerating nobleness among those in need and destitute and in need of the needfulness of noble-ness, and who has scattered new and improved wildlife throughout the savannahs and rain forests and mists and grottos and archipelagoes and who has pioneered research into the rights of bacteria.....this is a man destined to achieve new sales goals for two-wheeled-transportation commensurate with units sold. I mean......this guy is sell motorcycles. Whew! LOOK out.

I cannot say enough good things about the guy. And apparently that's the view of everyone on earth. So, it's not just me.

I CAN say a few bad things about the art he puts in his museum, however. I don't know where he gets it from, but my FIRST guess would be from inside the dwellings of the tuberculars now living in blue tents on the sidewalks of Los Angeles. The museum itself?'s like something designed by the intestinal bacteria of HR Giger. This is not a criticism. This is praise. The museum structure fucking rocks.

The stuff that's IN it? Mary Poppins would have that debris cleared out of there so fast it would register as a category 5 on the Fujita scale. And wherever she threw it would be roped off for a hundred years as a hazardous waste site. I know what you're saying: "You don't have no aesthetic aptitudinies, mah bruthuh."

Not true: you don't hear me raggin' on the building itself, do you? That's because the building kicks. Fucking-A, No, I'm raggin' on the art that's in it. That's because the art that's in it should be in a landfill. IN FACT, if he charged admission just to see the building itself and replaced the art with picnic tables... that would be better.

A lot better. In fact... he might want to convert the museum building into a Harley showroom. He might not sell more bikes. But he WILL get people into the dealership. And then he can use his award-winning sustainability gifts and personal magic on people actually in the showroom, where the sales actually occur. Sales never occur in the CEO's office, no matter how Accomplished in Wonderment the CEO may be.

So Zeitz-Man?...... take the "art" out of your art museum.......fill the new empty spaces with'll sell some product, baby. String some o' them snapping, noisy triangular car-lot flags around the property outside... you'll have some sustainable job security in your new post. Not that you'll be hurting for dough if you get fired in two weeks from what I read.

--J.J. Solari
Click to Join the Cantina.
Click to Join the Cantina.


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Reader Comments

Sounds like one helluva dude! Who doesn't like a sustainability expert right?

Milwaukee, WI
Tuesday, April 27, 2021
Editor Response Not sure about that one. Let's see what he does with H-D.

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