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We all ask that question at one time or another.

By J.J. Solari, with images from Sam Burns

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Sonia, the Bikernet TV Head Anchor
Sonia, the Bikernet TV Head Anchor

One of the great mysteries of life on Earth is “Why are all journalists living, breathing, scum-scrapings that have been grinded and peeled off the walls of abandoned outhouses at the bottom of a ravine in Bangladesh?” In other words why are all journalists oily slithering entities made entirely out of bacteria?

We all ask that question at one time or another. Sooner or later in life it dawns on us that all journalists are not only not actually human but that whatever species they are, they’re not even good at being that. I mean they have no “outstanding examples” of themselves but rather are, each and every one of them, at the same low level of slithering, burrowing worthlessness.

Journalists have no universally admired outstanding examples of themselves. They are all, every single one, boilerplate, machine-stamped, identical reproductive copies of each other, kind of like the Borg, with only the names on their birth certificates being different, assuming they were actually birthed and not hatched in petri dishes at Dumb-Iab Industries For The De-Backboned Replicated Talentless.

Once it is brought to a non-journalist’s attention - most of whom have actual jobs, as opposed to whatever the fuck it is “writers” do - once it is brought to a normal person’s attention that journalists are all cookie-cutter imbecilic little snots - a light goes on in the normal person’s head and he goes, “Ya know what? You’re right! They ARE all little rat-like shitballs!” This is usually a happy moment for a normal person. He feels suddenly liberated and free from all fear of journalistic harassment and attempts to ruin his life down the road. Because it suddenly becomes clear that journalists are merely blood-sucking fleas and mosquitoes with none of the sterling qualities of either, neither in behavior nor in appearance.

Once a normal person receives this gift of enlightenment, usually from me, that journalists are all oily little parasites feeding off the actual accomplishments of others yet taking all the credit themselves for saving humanity from harm at the hands of this person or that person, it’s like, and I really hate to use this word, it’s like he becomes empowered. A kind of inflow of life and energy and understanding and calm and the tranquility of no longer being confused fills his spirit and a veil of darkness is removed and he looks around at all about him and he quietly rejoiceth.

Yes, It’s a beautiful thing to see this transformation in others and to experience within one’s-self.

Now, you may ask, “So tell me, good pilgrim come to Bikernet, how is it that journalists have come to acquire this hypnotic, chimera-like ability to disguise their true abominable worthless natures within a gauze, a shroud if you will, a kind of shimmering there-not-there hallucinatory magical sleight-of-hand as it were, to where those of us who are NOT journalists hold them high aloft in a special place of reverence and nobility and soft and quiet superiority of holiness and Jedi-like concern for Only Others and not themselves? How is it we have come to be this thoroughly deceived?”


Not a bad question. And very-well phrased. I have to say. I think perhaps we are going to have a productive session here during our short time together before you wander off to look at tits. Pro’bly before I’m done. Not that I’ll blame you. In fact I’ll envy you. I’ll be stuck here alone. With me.

So… IS it that journalists have acquired this preposterous status as living lighthouses of warning and illumination lest, we ordinary folk, we run-aground upon the rocks of ruin?

It’s because of the First Amendment. Which boldly proclaims “the freedom of the press.” And not “the freedom of apple growers.” Or “the freedom of saloon-owners.” Or “the freedom of cigarette manufacturers.”

That’s right: the “press” is the only non-government job in the whole Constitution - which is basically a job-creation edict and not a liberty-creating edict - and all the jobs are in “the public sector.” Meaning tax-supported via the private sector. It’s the dividing of America, via proclamation, into two distinct groups: the authorities, who do nothing, and the gainfully employed, who do everything.

Nothing in your house comes from anyone in the public sector. Yet the public sector is the sector everyone in the private sector is convinced is indispensable. Even though they produce and provide nothing. Except punishment.

The relentless idiotic ranting of assholes like Nancy Pelosi that we are divided as a nation in that we are not all Liberal Communist Assholes… typical Liberal bullshit: we were divided right out the gate by the Constitution which created the public sector - the sector that does nothing - as being the authority over the private sector - the sector that does everything.

The journalists of the time, once the Constitution, or as I call it, the re-installation of England back onto our shores, once the Constitution had its ignition switch struck to the ON position, all the journalists looked at each other smiling and grinning and said “Have you noticed, Mi Compadres, that we’re the only job that is not a government job that is mentioned in this entire 4500 word composition? It’s almost as though we have become a PART of the government.”

You may have noticed that while there is such a thing as a “Press Pass” which allows journalists almost unlimited access to government shenanigans, there is no such thing as a “Mechanics Pass” or a “Woodworker’s Pass” or a “Plumbers Pass” or a “Tree Surgeons Pass” or a “Chefs Pass” or an “Appliance Makers Pass” or a pass for any other profession not a government job other than “Press.”

You, if you have not already wandered off to look at tits, are probably musing upon this for the first time in your life. Count yourself among the blessed: most people don’t read Bikernet. Holy shit, tell me about it. You on the other hand, tit-lover and seeker of truths even beyond those of tit-truths, come to Bikernet for calming, joy, and enlightenment. And I am your reward. Can we join hands and get an amen?

Have you noticed that all “newsmen” and “reporters” and “journalists” have this air and attitude of superiority? Like as though they know that in your mind you automatically consider them to be the watchdogs of, I don’t know, oppression, government chicanery, business chicanery, evil-doer chicanery, ordinary-citizen chicanery, as though they are prowling, watchful, ever-vigilant lookouts for naughtiness in every corner and back alley of human existence? They’re not. They’re failed novelists, who, having failed at the actual craft of writing genuinely artistic fiction, have, almost subconsciously, slogged and drunkenly staggered over to the thing called “freedom of the press” to write a rather low-grade version of fiction-writing called “the news.”


There they write distorted versions of reality that non-journalists regard as truth, since, being “the press,” they have Constitutional Sanctity, as does the President, and Congress, and all the other created-out-of-thin-air entities itemized and rambled-on about in the Constitution, which was PROBABLY written by failed novelists since something called The Supreme Court has spent a couple hundred years trying to decide what the Constitution ACTUALLY says. One reason this being necessary is because I didn’t write it. Otherwise it wouldn’t need “interpreting.” You don’t need to interpret THIS do you? There ya go.

You’ll notice successful novelists never become journalists. Have you noticed? They don’t need to. They have succeeded at fiction-writing. When you open a novel and set-in to read it you know right out the gate you are going to be bombarded with lies from one end of the book to the other. Fake conversations, fake events, fake people, fake threats, fake solutions, fake locations, fake weather…..there ain’t gonna be a word of fucking truth anywhere to be found and in fact the name o’ the mother fucker who wrote it might be fake! No one cares.

That’s what you pay for. That’s what you want. You want fucking make-believe so you can escape from your own shitty existence and eavesdrop and spy on some fake guy’s shitty but still more interesting existence than your own. What makes fiction writing INTERESTING is called “writing talent.” Something journalists do not have. In fact they are abysmally devoid of this commodity. No successful novelist or short-story fiction writer or successful script-writer ever “moves on and advances to” journalism.

Going from “Successful Fictioneer” to journalism as a living is not an advancement. It’s a huge fucking step down. It’s if anything, sliding from success into failure. You do not need ANY writing talent to become a journalist. You need SOME talent, sure, say, maybe, for instance, a talent for tossing guilt around onto people who are not guilty of anything, or you need to be a talented fucking asshole, for instance.

But you don’t need any WRITING talent. In fact if you HAD any writing talent you could not BECOME a journalist. The job is that restrictive of actual writing talent. It’s as though only the talentless can walk through the permanently implaced talent-restrictor barrier with complete impunity and nonchalance with welcoming signs all around and well wishers sweeping their arms sideways to usher him on his way to frustration, alcoholism and eternal obscurity where he will join all the failed novelists before him as they, en masse devote themselves to deceiving their clueless, gullible audiences who, because of the First Amendment, are convinced journalists are the 8th Choir of Angels sent here from Heaven and from the very prayer room of Jesus to guide America into Paradise.

They are in fact low-grade pimps from the upper circles of Hell with you as their whores, working their way down to Satan’s Lair where, with Satan, they can kick cans down the road for eternity in ever-mounting frustration.

Now earlier I mentioned that when the Constitution had sputtered into existence (which it now is operating at full fucking throttle) it was at that moment all the journalists looked at each other and realized that “the press” was the only non-government job in the Constitution to be mentioned in a litany of government jobs that WERE mentioned in the Constitution. It was then that the journalists, or failed novelists, all looked at each other cunningly and said all at once and all together “We’re part of the government.”

It didn’t matter that they weren’t actually part of the government, they knew that everyone would ASSUME they were because, as you know, the Constitution is a perfect living document of utter and resolute perfection and would not have granted freedom of the press and not freedom of toilet manufacturing as one of the Rights were it not for the obvious to you and to Jesus fact that “the press” was in fact the only assurance that government, should it stray from its divine and noble path, would be nudged back onto its rightful direction. Thanks to the randomly-assembled Constitution - forever being interpreted and reinterpreted in courts of law - in declaring “the press” - the sole actual job-description mentioned in the entire litany of government jobs created out of thin air…… to be subconsciously regarded by all and with great piousness as a department of government.

IN FACT the press itself has actually promoted itself into a category of something called The Fourth Estate. That’s right, like Hollywood giving itself rewards, the press has declared itself “The Fourth Estate,” the first three being, as created by British Hacks a million years ago, the nobility, the clergy, and the commoners. The Press then declared themselves the 4th Estate and apparently no one said shit about it. Pro’bly out of fear of being interviewed by Anderson Cooper, a journalist. In reality the Press is the estate now controlling the other three Estates and as such is more corrupt than the other three combined. And THAT is saying something.

Now you might say “If that’s the case is the press working in partnership with government?” The answer is yes and no: yes if the government stays aware and cognizant of the fact that “the press” actually IS the government. And no if at any time the government forgets this fact and assumes it, and not the press, is the government…..then the press will strike. And strike hard. And strike unified. Unlike how the government operates which is in a fucking dither and in bewilderment and in a cowardly manner all the time. Plus bureaucrats will throw each other to the wolves with absolutely no hesitation.

The Yellow Wall of Unified Journalists will NEVER do that. They know they have the upper hand: they can write sentences - bad ones, but they CAN write sentences….unlike bureaucrats who can’t do anything, and they can’t get voted out of office or fired by any bureaucrat. But as long as the government personnel show homage and respect and gratitude to The Press……The Press will pretend to be merely a watchdog of government and not the operator of government. For after all, the Constitution itself was written by journalists. It was dreamed up by bureaucrats, but actually composed by journalists. Which is why it’s all over the place.

If a successful novelist had written the Constitution it would 1: be a lot more fun to read and 2: would likely have some logic and coherence to it and a lot less of pontificating its own greatness. But it was written by failed novelists. Not successful ones. But failures. So when your idiot “representative” creates a new idiotic law, it’s your Actual Government of Failed Novelists who will praise it and declare it holy and wise, which you will read about and then vote for. Assuming it’s a law that requires the votes of the alleged citizenry. Which 99.999999% of American laws do not require.

But that’s another and different and equally exciting article. From Yours Truly, J.J. Solari, Failed Novelist Times Ten AND Failed Journalist. IN FACT…..I even failed as a Mouseketeer. There’s a reason I write for Bikernet.

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His stories will drive you insane. Click quick...

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