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CEO of Harley-Davidson, saving the company and the world

A Letter from the Harley-Davidson Creative Energy Originator (CEO)

By J.J. Solari

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CEO of Harley-Davidson, saving the company and the world, one kick-start booted off the showroom at a time.--Wayfarer
CEO of Harley-Davidson, saving the company and the world, one kick-start booted off the showroom at a time.--Wayfarer

J.J. Solari Note: What follows is a lampoon, a comedy, a sketch, a humor entity, a satire, a witty diversion, a parody, a spoof, a jocular moment, an amusement, a brief frolic in fiction, a delightful playtime vocabularic rondelay so to speak if I may? No one other than the composer of this whatever-it-even-is actually said any of this. Thank you.___jjs

"Hi! I'm Jochen Zeitz, the CEO, or as I like to say the Creative Energy Originator, of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle company or as I like to call it New Sustainopolis. Ha ha,

I know what you're saying, 'Are you not actually Matthew McCaughnahey or most certainly Tom Cruise?' Ha ha, thank you, you're very kind. IF ONLY!! Can you imagine me as Tom Cruise? I certainly can! Oh my God. Is he something or what!! Whew!

WHERE THE HECK WAS I?? Oh yes, we were talking about me and my vision for Harley-Davidson and whatever it is they do. While I am depicted here with my two-wheeled cycle of manly mayhem, you will notice I am not actually riding it. And the animals and the birds have come to me to ask 'Good sir, canst thou not defile our sacred home with thine fumes?' And to this I say 'consider it done!

I shall merely pose with this monster of manliness: I shall not actually start it up! The forest shall be safe!' And speaking of not starting things up, this accoutrement to my portrait does not actually have an engine. It is a prototype of what I hope will become the future of Harley- Davidson: engine-free coasting cycles. Noise, smoke, gasoline, decimated rubber forests, asphalt, bugs in the face......these nightmares, under my leadership and guidance, shall be eliminated, to be replaced by happy animals safely crossing non existing roads, bluebirds chirping happily on the ends of our outstretched index fingers, green grass and pine trees reclaiming once again their rightful ownership of the planet.

I believe it was Agent Smith of The Matrix who said something like, or close to it, "Humanity is an unnatural aberration, a foul virus that eats its way through everything in its path, leaves a wasteland and moves on, a parasitical infection that excels in corpse creation.'

He said something like that. I had Agent Smith's little speech to Morpheus memorized once, I found it to be a poetic source of personal internal energy, my own internal combustion engine, if you will, if I might make that analogy if I may. I found his merry and whimsically potent expository on the voracious nature of homo sapiens to be a kind of spiritual tonic. A relaxing spiritual massage in an aromatic setting of candles, verandas, greek pillars, meandering entities in translucent tunics, lyre music, bowls of fruit, and windowless overlooks of gardens stretching to the early-evening horizon.

I feel Agent Smith is the central focus, the overarching impetus to my fixation on the stench of engine exhaust. Do you see the bluebird in this picture? You will sniff that gentle rascal for a very long time, my friend, before you will detect anything even close to resembling a stench emanating from off its skin. Or layering. Or whatever it is birds have.

In addition to Agent Smith, I have one other icon of attitude and behavior that I use as a guidepost, a kind of Virgil to my Dante, if you will, guiding me through the murky underworld of industrial pollution: Robert California of The Office. Now you may say that James Spader is pretending to be Robert California, but I would counter that, no, Robert California is pretending to be James Spader.

Robert California sees the larger view: he is not the head of an organization, he is part of a communal amalgam, part of an algae-bloom, if you will, if I may, whose destination and endpoint is not only not in sight, it is not even defined. Will not Nature decide the final outcome of Dunder-Mifflin? Rather than its staff and operating officers?

Robert California sees this. And I see the endpoint of Harley-Davidson. It is depicted here in this photographic tableau: a man - a smashingly dashing one at that...smashingly dashing, I kind of like that......and his product, an emasculated mantlepiece decoration for a large mantle that reflects in the manner of all government entities, the 'governmentising of humanity'' via this motorcycle: two wheels that don't turn powered by an engine that it does not have. I see greatness there.

Do you like my outfit? I got it a Bros R Us. Thank you. Gaia bless you. Canape'?"

--J.J. Solari

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Reader Comments

All true! Hey by the way where can you get that bagger hoodie?

charlotte, NC
Wednesday, June 23, 2021
Editor Response Not sure. Try Support good times or Sullen.
Oh, John, yer sew funnee

Cap'n Bill
here, TN
Tuesday, June 22, 2021
Editor Response Yep. You'll make J.J.'s day.

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