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Bikernet East - The Zebra Reports

Bikernet East - The Zebra Reports

By Special Agent Zebra

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Bikernet East, Zebra Report 8/17/2000:

Despite overwhelming odds, such as a rev limiter installed secretly by Bandit (later ripped out and thrown in the ditch), heavy rain on the east coast, phony tags (fuck the Florida DMV), a bleeding gas tank (Bandit is suspected here as well), hail in Atlanta, deer in Kentucky, troopers in Illinois, and a host of other hurdles, as well as a distance over 500 miles longer than Bandit's short hop from L.A., Special Agent Zebra rode like an outlaw and arrived four beers and three Jack and Cokes ahead of Bandit and had the promised Jack on ice awaiting the West Coast slowpokes. Kudos to the Doctor of Throttle, Special Agent Zebra.

And in answer to West Coast Chopper's Jesse James' question, "Should we consider Special Agent Zebra a real biker now?", we at have our own questions- how'd that Winnebago ride? Is it a rigid? As Bandit once said, time will tell and shit will smell.

The Great Northern Steamer made the trip up and back, wracking up a round-trip total of 6,002 miles on the virgin odometer. Zebra sustained one fried starter motor, two gas tank leaks, one missing kickstand (tore it off on a low left-hand sweeper in Georgia) and a pull-start behind bro and sister Tommy and Mary Ann Mills of Kittanning, PA. Zebra says, "many thanks for the yank. Got home fine."

While the Zebra was forced to ride the final 1,300 miles without stopping or even getting off due to the fried starter motor and missing kickstand, he arrived relatively unscuffed, save for a wracked back and a bit of fatigue induced delirium.

The actual ChopOff vote, was a washout, since Bandit apparently moved the vote at the last minute to a secret location, garnering every vote.

Stay tuned for the full story, after we wake Zebra up and get him on the keyboard.

Big Lucy, reporting for Special Agent Zebra, recovering East, Miami

Bikernet East, Zebra Report 7/11/2000:
Working with Eddie Trotta of Thunder Cycles in Ft. Lauderdale, I'm putting the finishing touches on the Great Northern Steamer, my entry into the Bikernet ChopOff 2000. We can't say what the secret changes are that we're making, as we would tip off Bandit and the crew on the West Coast. But suffice to say, they'll be good. - Zebra

Bikernet East, Zebra Report 7/15/2000:
In the race to the finish line, I've sent out the tanks and rear fender,which Eddie Trotta and his sheetmetal gurus recut and redrilled (they weren't satisfied with the fit we got over the rear tire at Bikernet). Eddie Meeks at Hardly Civilized is doing the paint and artwork was provided by our own Ink Dink, Jon Towle. Eddie and his men at Thunder Cycles have checked and double checked, tweaked and poked our geometry. Break-in is scheduled to start ASAP. Tanks and fender should be back and ready to bolt on in three days. Eddie Meeks is fast and Eddie Trotta is even faster.

The goal is to get a few thousand miles on the horse prior to blast off from Miami Beach, about as far from Sturgis as you can get. Nobody likes surprises and we're working hard to eliminate as many as possible. Bandit is closing fast and the race is narrowing. It may actually come down to a vote after all.

Special Agent Zebra East
Miami Beach

Bikernet East, Zebra Report 7/24/2000:

In a dark twist of fate, I have fallen behind the dreaded Bandit in our Sturgis 2000 ChopOff, as we near the blast off point. Paint has taken three days longer than expected and we've yet to get even one break-in mile on the Great Northern Steamer. Eddie Trotta and his boys at Thunder Cycle Designs will be pushing hard to get sheet metal in place, final tail lights wired and get the big mother RevTech on the asphalt and start the painstaking break-in process. Eddie and his boys like to run a bike no more than one mile, bring it back in, check and measure everything, take it back out and run it two and so on. After they've done this several times, they run the bike 25-30, and repeat. You can see how this helps avoid ruining anything which might be slightly off alignment or loose. It's a good process, but it takes time, which is something we're getting damned short on. Bandit has been jeering over the phone daily about how well his scoot is running, although he's had some clutch difficulties which he's trying to iron out with Wrench and the Bikernet West garage gang.

It's going to be close. Will the Great Northern Steamer leave on time? Will Bandit and the Blue Goose make it from the western country? Will the torrential Florida rains wash me off the interstate before I can even break the Georgia line? Will the searing Death Valley expanse fry Bandit's engine before he can cross into the cool deserts of the north?

It all remains to be seen. Stay tuned as we race to the wire and our launch date, this Saturday at 0-early hundred.

Special Agent Zebra
Bikernet East
Miami Beach

Bikernet East, Zebra Report 7/25/2000:


In an unexpected show of brotherhood, numerous East Coast bikers have rallied to underdog Special Agent Zebra's aid in the savage Sturgis 2000 ChopOff. Offers of everything from places to bed down and home-cooked meals to bullets to broads are pouring in all along the Zebra's route. Special Agent Zebra, working with minimal support and even fewer resources, has managed to stay neck and neck with the dreaded Bandit and his massive phalanx of factory technicians and C.A.D.-assisted motorcycle assembly line at the sprawling Bikernet World Headquarters in San Pedro, California, just south of Los Angeles. It was beginning to look as if Special Agent Zebra was going to have to run on bailing wire and luck, but with the outpouring of biker brotherhood from literally thousands of bikers all along the route, Zebra should have a road paved with flying panties, roses, fried chicken and cots all the way to Sturgis.

Now if Zebra and Eddie Trotta can sweet talk the local DMV cuss into allowing them to tag and bless entirely unsafe, illegal freak chopper rolling felony, AAA is dumb enough to insure the fuckin' thing and somebody is crazy enough to sell him some high-octane fuel, the race will be on. A moment of silence to the DMV gods. (Actually, the backup plan is to slap a phony plate on the Great Northern Steamer and hope like hell the local fuzz in the lower 49 don't read this.)

God bless America and may Bandit drive off into the Grand Canyon.

Big Lucy, filling in for Special Agent Zebra

Bikernet East Miami Beach

-Just one of hundreds of e-mails pouring in from around the nation in support of the goodly Zebra in his war against the repulsive bastard, Bandit-



I am in Hermitage Tn. Just about 10 miles sw of downtown Nashville. Just off major interstate cluster (figuratively) of 1-40 guick passage back to I-24. Would be glad to put up a fellow armed gypsy biker, Get you fed, bed and on you way. Would be honored to have you stay at my digs. You have my e-mail. phone is 615/883-6490 home/615/620-5266 work. Let me know your plans and I will make necessary arrangements.

I am sure that we can make it easy for you to fly through the middle Tennessee area with no time lost to that scoundrel Bandit. If you read the original message I am sure that you known that I would not hinder anyone's progress. I was pulling for the Bikernet East all the way. So just lay at ease about that alms thing from the west.

Just a hole in the wall, where a good armed outlaw/gypsy can rest his weary bones.


Bikernet East, Zebra Report 7/27/2000:

Special Agent Zebra nabbed at Florida DMV!

In a henious turn of events yesterday, Special Agent Zebra was nearly imprisoned at the Florida Deparment of Vehicles, while trying to register the barely legal Great Northern Steamer, Zebra's entry into the dreaded Bikernet ChopOff 2000 competition. Foul play is suspected as one of the MSO (manufactuerer's statement of origin) was sent by Bandit from the West Coast and in fact was the offending document which led to a rush of State Troopers and much dark swearing and wrestling about.

Upon presentation of his special construction bike, Special Agent Zebra was promptly informed that he was guilty of a felony in the third degree for attempting to register a motorcycle outside of the area in which he resides.

Sensing danger, Special Agent Zebra made an immediate attempt to abort the mission when the DMV agent in charge, a savage cunt with one eye and tits made from rotting gauze wrapped around cantelopes, called in the Florida Highway Patrol. A hairy chase ensued as Special Agent Zebra put in some fast break-in miles and managed to give the rule-crazy cops the shake in northern Miami.

"It's going to be an outlaw run from here on out," Zebra told Bandit over the phone from an undisclosed location. "I'll deal with you when I get to Sturgis, you evil sonofabitch!" Zebra roared, as Bandit bawled with laughter on the other end of the line.

Turns out Bandit sent Zebra an engine MSO from a chopper he'd reported stolen over ten years ago and then parted out. A dirty trick, considering the actual engine Zebra is running in the Great Northern Steamer is a brand new, monster RevTech 88 given to the Zebra by our fine bros at Custom Chrome.

Set up, wanted by the law and running underground now, Zebra is by far the underdog in this dastardly competition.

It's anyone's guess if Zebra can move from one friendly club house to the next under the cover of darkness as he makes his way along the underground biker railroad to Sturgis, where he will even the score with Bandit.

Bandit, law abiding yuppie that he is will have the advantage, as he blissfully strolls along in broad daylight on his entirely legal cruiser, having worked closely- perhaps too closely (could Bandit be a cop?)- with the local California Highway Patrol to get his motorcycle licensed.

Stay tuned as we continue to update you on the mad race to the Badlands.

Big Lucy, filling in for Special Agent Zebra


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