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Bikernet Book of the Week Club Review

Hunter Biden's autobiography "Beautiful Things"

By J.J. Solari with images from Barry and Sam

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Editor’s Note: All information in this article has come from trusted sources who wish to remain anonymous who have spoken to people who have read reports regarding
speculations deemed to be actual and factual speculations regarding reported likelihoods that are considered well within the parameters of probability as determined by science with a plus or minus accuracy that is deemed acceptable over and above the charts and models traditionally used in the determination of determinants under conditions of anonymity.

--J.J. Solari

Grave and concerning concernings regarding people who
were found to be sound asleep in restaurants and hotel
lobbies and on busses and trains and on porch swings
and in hammocks and at picnic tables and in chairs
around swimming pools and in some cases at roulette
wheels and slot machines and card games inside casinos
are being voiced and uttered.... in that all of these people
have been found to have had a copy of Hunter Biden's
autobiography, "Beautiful Things" either still in one hand or the other or at least on or near their persons, many of
these people having been unable to be reawakened
without medically-administered stimulants.

"I have never slept so well," was a common utterance
upon being reawakened.

"This was like a tranquility of slumber unexceeded even in the womb," was the response of one person returned from unconsciousness.

"It was like a calm oblivion," said another.

"It was like a soothing pablum of storytelling devoid of any intellectual accretion over a lifetime," a reanimated woman said: "It soothed and embalmed the mind and the spirit, in fact it was like being in a spiritual limbo where there was neither good nor bad, nor right nor wrong, only the quiet iteration of simplicities and the overarching message of love."

"It was like being read-to by mommy at bedtime: it had that level of calmness and reassurance" said another, after being roughly shaken back to consciousness.
"It was like entering a beautiful mind that neither reflected, nor judged, nor learned, nor evolved; it was like going back into the womb where there was only warmth and safety and a peaceful darkness of calm and sleep," said another.

"It was like BEING a narcotic," one man said. "this COULD put the sleeping industry out of business," he added upon some reflection. "Beds, sleeping aids, recordings of the sea or quiet rainfall......these could all disappear from human use as aids to slumber." He then with a wide-eyed smile picked up the Biden book near him and stared at it. "This is a godsend during the jury-selection process when that letter comes in the mail that you have to show up for the legal shitshow that is The American Jury Privilege/Duty Or Else."

One man upon being administered pure oxygen which
slowly reopened his eyes gazed at his revivers in a kind of trance and pleasantness of expression and kept
whispering "....the emptiness.....the emptiness....I never
wanted to leave it."

Another awakened reader said he felt like he was in "an
apocalypse of rainbows." He went on to paean "There are levels and dimensions of maudlin vistas of childlike prose that have been opened to me like never before. Walking slowly along the long lines of car hoods at a successful car lot and reading the prices placed on cardboard in large letters, one after another as you walk beneath the flapping and small triangular banners snapping in the breezes USED to be the bellwether of focused insignificance capable of human experience without one falling into unconsciousness. However, that experience is like the frenzied bombing of Guernica compared to THIS. I am QUITE impressed."

Another roused dreamer said, "It's like the drawings and
sayings and expressions and decorations usually
encountered when entering a kindergarten classroom....all transformed into letters onto pages. Quite pleasant, if you ask me. Especially the falling asleep aspect, which I was notorious for in school. I would recommend this to anyone who wants to relive their childhood. Especially the most meaningless aspects of it. Which in my case would be the first grade. On up."

"You could read this while drowning in the North Atlantic
under waves a hundred feet high and suddenly you would
be relaxed," said another man after being jostled awake.
"It's a vocabulary version of morphine. I have the strange
urge to buy ten more copies. He'll never have to write
another book: I'll just keep on buying this one."

Most interesting to the many people who volunteered to
slowly awaken the scattered populations of people
slumbering in inappropriate places and under
inappropriate conditions was the number of people who
actually were sound asleep while still upright on their feet.

"I was listening to the audio version while walking around
the block," one man said, finding himself on his feet and
yet being gently and repeatedly nudged by an "awakener"
as they are coming to be called. The people awakened
from a standing position are without exception mildly
rattled by the experience. "Who knew being asleep while
standing was even possible" was a common first observation.

Researchers who have studied the phenomenon have agreed that the book has the power to
solidify a person into absolute concrete-like inaction.
Coupled with this are the reported observations by the
stricken that they have a vague recollection of basking in a kind of sublime euphoria of dormancy devoid of ambition, goals, accomplishments, focus, interests, values, opinions, conclusions, curiosity, action, reaction, understanding, awareness, notions, ideas, or a sense of urgency even regarding breathing. "It was kind of like going out of existence but being very comfortable with the idea" was an oft-heard evaluation of the experience.

It was observed by Awakeners that even flies that had randomly landed onto a book had to be systematically slid off the object to remove them. Whence they then reactivated themselves and flew off to resume normal life.

One man said, "It was like what someone once said about listening to a Led Zeppelin song that I forget the name of that he described as 'sinking through mayonnaise.'"

This reviewer may or may not have actually read the book.

Like many others I remember being awakened by a
stranger in a public place with the book close at hand. He
had an armband on that read "Volunteer Awakener" and
he informed me that I had been asleep. I noticed I was at
the mall food court, an uneaten hamburger and an
undrunk soda at the table and the Biden book also there,
unopened. The cover had a picture of a little boy holding
onto the descended hand of an adult's arm. Seeing it, I
began to doze off. The Awakener quickly removed the
book from my sight and I was immediately once again

"We wear special glasses that, like sound-nulling
headphones, neutralize the photons coming from the
photo into 1's and zeroes. We return the book to the owner upon demand but so far no one has asked to have that happen."

I asked, a bit alarmed, "What of the people listening to an
audiobook of it while driving??"

He said he personally has not delved into that aspect of
the phenomenon and admitted he was very reluctant to
ever do so. He looked upset at the prospect.
And there you have it! The choice is yours!!

J.J. Solari

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