ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

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OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

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SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

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LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

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MEMORY

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

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APPEARANCE

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

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DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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COMPREHENSION

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."