1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

6. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

7. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

8. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

9. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

10. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

11. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

12. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

13. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

14. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

15. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

16. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"