When searching for the perfect beer, it is often helpful to seek the advice of professionals. Having goodly experience in beer, wearing of beer, shampooing with beer and the drinking of beer, I have taken a few minutes out of my overpaid and very slack schedule of women and debauchery to give reviews of some of the finer beers available at the better clubhouses.

Colt 45:
A light sweat-sock aroma, with just the right touch of aluminum undertones. Heady, playful, not too tart, capable of running a motorcycle for several miles until you can get to a proper fuel station. Recommended with high-speed runs through tight canyon roads, red meats and orgies.

Schlitz Malt Liquor:
With a burned cat bouquett and a take-no-prisoners aftertaste, this beer, liquor or whatever the hell it is, will keep you guessing, in the bathroom, on the road and for several days after you’ve consumed it. Recommended with fish, gym shorts and bar fights.

Budweiser
Clearly a premium, this fine pilsner conducts itself in a prim and proper manner, never too tart, never too sweet, never catching fire. Tasting of zesty spring almonds, Clydesdale piss and engine grease, turn to this beer when you really want to impress your friends at holidays. Recommended with either fish or red meat, or red fish, or women nicknamed, "meat".

Heinken:
A salty spring aftertaste, effervescent, exuberant, the feeling of unspotted triumph one gets when butchering car people. Light, yet cheerful, funny, yet not sarcastic, this beer is a joyous ride on the petals of a pink daisy with just a hint of malarky in all the right places. Recommended with crystal meth, cocaine and firearms.