In the glamorous world of motorcycling, sex appeal is everything and those who aren’t fabulously hip are soon edged out by the outlaw who knows what bugs go with what outfit. In order to allow everyone a sporting chance to drop their kickstand in a gopher hole, I am listing some of my favorite ways for increasing your sexual appeal to that leather-clad other sex, or in some odd instances, like Bandit’s, fulfill that perverse need to bring a lawyer into the act of sex and create the toxic aftershock known as "marriage."

1) Ride naked across town at least once a week yelling, "Who ordered the steak?!"

2) When you see a female law enforcement officer, clap her on the ass with both hands, squeeze firmly and confess to killing Kennedy out of your love for her.

3) Wipe.

4) Use an anti-dandruff shampoo on your back to prevent embarrassing flakes.

5) When you throw up, dance.

6) When you encounter roadkill, roll in it. The fresh scent will be a real turn on for the ladies.

7) Every time you see a pay phone, pretend to call your mother and tell her how much you miss her and what a great piece of ass she was. Women love it when men can open up to their mothers.

8) When you exit the restroom, leave your fly open and let your ruck sack and prod hang out. When someone points out your oversight, pretend to be terribly embarrassed. This tells the lady you’re shy. If this doesn’t work, stuff your meat back in your pants and zip them up. This will show her you’re hard to get and drive her wild.

9) When you kill a man, offer her the choicest parts before eating yourself.

10) Before sex, ask her if the ropes are too tight. This will show her you’re a considerate lover.

11) Remember foreplay is key to warming up a woman and letting her get in touch with her sexual feelings. Don’t be afraid to let her feel and handle the plastic bag before putting it on her head.

12) After sex ask her if she’d like to change the oil in your tryke. This will let her know you consider her an integral part of your life and that you need her as a person, not just sexually.

13) If she ever has pussy farts, offer to tune her carbs. Making light of these embarrassing beaver backfires will lighten the moment and let her know it’s not the first time you’ve hit beef so loose it coughs.

14) Just before she has orgasm, grab each breast and pretend to be adjusting them like radio knobs while saying, "Come in Tokyo!" She’ll appreciate your enthusiasm for her satisfaction.

15) Flush.

16) When you eat her underwear, be sure and tell her how good it tastes.