I was in one of my favorite scooter shops the other day when in walked one of the largest rookies I've ever seen. Imagine a 300-pound Cliff Claven type wanting to find his balls and straddle a piece of good ole American iron.

He informed the salesman that he'd never ridden a motorcycle before, and wondered if the 2001 Road King he was eyeing was a good beginner bike. I also heard him mention that his goal that day was to get whatever magazines, literature and other reading material he could before leaving the shop and pondering the purchase of a new Harley.

At the magazine rack were copies of the more prominent magazines, as well as the latest Harley-Davidson brochures and roadware catalogs. But what was lacking were some of the basics that I'm sure this guy would need to understand if running with a true biker crowd. The following definition of terms is dedicated to him......

1. Kick Start: When the old lady places her foot in your ass to get you to do something other than working on your motorcycle.

2. Piston: Taking a leak that weighs approximately 2000 pounds.

3. Engine: Those people who inhabited the Americas and made it more difficult for the Europeans to build strip malls.

4. Handlebars: An establishment that serves liquor with places to hold on to when the room starts to spin.

5. Burnin' Rubber: REALLY FAST SEX.....

6. Tank: A guy who can handle a fuckload of beer.

7. Softail: Slang for "Nice Ass."

8. Bitch Pad: Your girlfriend's place of residence.

9. Scoot: What your pit bull does on the carpet every time you feed him chili.

10. Crank Shaft: What a good woman will do when you've had a hard day.

11. Headwork: Biker slang for "blowjob."

12. Head Pipe: When your woman has a REALLY deep throat.

13. Fat Bobs: Use your imagination.

14. Knucklehead: Go find a mirror.

15. Flathead: What you're going to have after you ram that new 2001 Road King into an oncoming 18 wheeler.