Thursday 6
Well 3-beer Mo came over and we planned our 7th annual three-day mountain campout ride. I found out today that it is on the same weekend as the grand opening of the new bike shop/bar where Roger works now. Roger won't be able to go, but I expect Slick Steve, Stripper Sam, Indian Ray, Chrome Dome, and Tiny to go. They all have a buddy or two that might go too. We are going next weekend, leaving Friday and coming home on Sunday. It'll be fun and we will party like there's no tomorrow.

Friday 7

Again, the saga continues ... Nutcase Ned came over last night and he was mad at me 'cause I used his cell phone last Friday night, and now he's getting calls for me. I told him to go through his numbers and I would tell everyone who's called to quit. Well, he was going through the numbers and he said, "Who's number is this? Oh yeah. I didn't tell him, but I recognized the number as the fat girl we were picking on him about last week. It seems that they have at least talked on the phone. We are gonna be at the titty bar tonight and I'm laying for ol' Nutcase. I'm gonna wait till we are all there, then ask him about it. It'll be hilarious. I just hope he gets a front end out of the deal. I would have to be getting some nice-ass parts to be with that ugly bitch. I'll let you know how it goes.

Monday 10

Well, shit didn't go as planned this weekend. If you remember, we were laying for Nutcase and Lizard's old lady and were going to give Nutcase shit about getting him a front end. Well I called out to Lizard's to make sure his old lady was going out to Stripper Sam's club, and surprise, Lizard answered the phone. Home two days early. I was happy that Lizard's back, but I am going to wait on the Nutcase deal. It'll happen. Patience is a virtue. Anyway, the fun came at Stripper Sam's club anyway. Back a few weeks ago at the drag races on Mother's Day, Slick Steve got mad because I was riding his young girl around and was making time with her.

Well I've seen the girl a few times when Slick Steve's not around, and I do love to be around her. It's a long story, but Slick Steve split off with this chick a few months ago because she was hitting him about having kids and shit. Anyway, that's when he met the young chick--yada, yada, yada. Slick Steve told the young girl on Thursday that he's getting back with the child chick. Young girl shows up at the club and when Slick Steve got there, she started hanging all over me. It drove him nuts. I worked the situation for all it was worth. He was so pissed, and I would say "Hey Steve, what's wrong--you seem depressed about something." What could he do? There is a mountain about an hour's ride from here, and she was telling me about a house her grandparents have up there. It's a weekend deal and they hardly ever go there. She told me that she has a key and I told her my bike runs better in higher elevations. We'll see. Saturday, me and my girl took Nutcase to a party of these goobs I work with, because they had the Tyson fight, food, and beer for free. We had a great time. All the goobs played poker during the prefight stuff and we drank with their wives. We went out celebrating after the fight and didn't get home till daylight. I was so shot out yesterday. It rained and I stayed in bed and watched the race. Ted

Tuesday 11
It's raining again. The weather feels nice, but I want to ride my bike. Today is one of those iffy days, so I drove the old rag top. It's close to the bike kinda, but the top goes up. I've had enough rain for a lifetime. I can live with it on a trip but I'm not going to suffer for just going to work. This weekend is the big three-day campout/party/ride with Indian Ray and 3-Beer Mo. There's about nine bikes going. We have done it for a long time and it is a great trip. We leave on Friday and camp out at a float stream in the Ozarks. We'll party all night, then get up Saturday and ride to this tiny little town that amounts to a restaurant and a guide service. We'll eat at the restaurant and get our energy up for the all-day ride through the tiny little mountain roads. We kind of zigzag the river and stop to swim about every 100 miles or so. We drink a few beers and head out to the next swimming hole. We have several regular stops to see friends along the way, but by dark on Saturday, we end up in this little party town called Eureka Springs. We'll pitch in and get some rooms, clean up and hit the club for some song and dance.

The ride home Sunday--it's a long 200-mile mountain journey home on a two-day hangover, but it's worth it. I'm very exited about it, and I'm already in trouble with the big boss man because I'm getting one call after another from the guys saying "I-EEEEEE" (that's a Louisiana term). I haven't told him I'm not working on Friday. I'll let my old lady call him on Friday morning after I've gone so I don't have to hear a lot of bitching. What's the point of bitching on Monday? The deal is done. I'll let you know.

Wednesday 12

I knew it. Stripper Sam came over yesterday at about four and was telling me he was 80% he was going on the campout. I started telling him about the miles we lay down, and he started saying he might not be able to get off work on Friday. I asked how he could be 80% if he had to work Friday. It was funny watching him try to lie his way out. I knew that as soon as he understood the amount of riding and how few people there were to show off for that the peppermint would rise to the top of those buttcheeks.

Nutcase came over later and we drank some beers and I listened to him whine about how his bike is sprawled and he don't have the money to put it back together. I told him before he sprawled it that he should wait till he had his front end. It was ugly but he was riding.

Now he stands at the door of Ruthman's shop and watches us ride out. He could have done most of everything while he rode it and then in November sprawl it, do the frame work and he's back on the road by spring. Chrome Dome came by and I gave him some pipes for his bike because his were rusted through. He was trying to say he wasn't going but I shamed him into going. I told him he had two whole days to get his shit together and he was a pussy if he didn't make it. He's a prison kinda guy and don't like being called a pussy. He was all upset about it, but if he wasn't trying to pussy out then it wouldn't have bothered him. He'll go, because he knows I'll call him Sunday as soon as I get home and dog him out. He's got that new chick and doesn't want me to make him look bad. So far there's seven of us for sure. It'll be great.

Thursday 13

Surprise, Nutcase came over last night and we drank a bunch of beer. We talked about how predictable we've become, while doing exactly what anyone would predict. Is that irony?

The good news is Cat from the Pink Pussy Cabaret graced my little shed with her presence. Stripper Sam was at work and she came over to hang out with my girl. She has a thing for Nutcase, so she stayed and drank some beers with us. Chrome Dome called with a new reason he can't go this weekend. It was lame and I shot him down like a squirrel on a powerline. He's going, by God.

Everybody called last night and I talked them into staging up at Chrome Dome's on Friday so he will get shit from everybody if he don't go. Now, the best news of all. That hot little girl that Slick Steve was messing with called me at work yesterday and said a bunch of shit about being my secret girlfriend. Hell, it's juvenile but if I can work out a hit on that every week, I'd put up with the silliness. The only problem is that Roger's girlfriend is her roommate and she works at Ruthman's. The chance of hitting that even once and keeping it quiet is very, very slim. If the roommate found out she would have it all over town by the end of the day. Maybe that's why I want her so bad. Nah--it's that ass.

Friday 14

I'm scared. I admit it. I washed my bike for the first time this year. I changed the oil and put on new brake pads for the mountains. Now with all this attention I've given her, she will probably break down on me. I should've left it dirty, with "some oil" in it.

When I got home yesterday Chrome Dome was in my shop working on his bike. He has finally come around and is actually getting ready. Stripper Sam came over and made another try at convincing us that his ass can take it, but he just can't get off work. I ain't with him on that. It's the candy in them drawers that's keeping him at home.

Tiny and his girl came over and we got all drunk talking about how drunk we were going to get tonight. He has convinced me that we can ride to Sturgis for $400. I'm kinda short on vacation cash and wasn't planning to go, but he has places to stay along the way for free and a room in Deadwood--already paid for gas, food, and party. That's all I need. I'm in.

Indian Ray called and we have decided that if 3 Beer Mo isn't at my house by three ON THE DOT we're leaving him to catch us on the road. We wait for him every year and then end up putting up our shit after dark. Not to mention riding the mountains and that downhill gravel road to the river. I don't really mind riding in the dark, but in the hills the deer jump out of nowhere and I would rather avoid it--especially since I could leave right now and I'm only waiting for the rest of them. He'll be on time next year, if we leave him. It's going to be a great time. Seems everyone is bringing someone new with them. That's OK. The more the merrier.

We'll weed out the non-riders and tell them to ride in the back. They won't be able to keep up on those curvy roads so I won't worry too much. Me, 3 Beer Mo, and Indian Ray will be way out in front. Nutcase Ned is taking care of my girl while I'm gone. It worries me for her to be out late by herself and she doesn't mind the escort. She's going to wait till Saturday and then tell Lizard's old lady that she went out with him. She'll fucking die. They'll go out to Cat's and listen to Stripper Sam talk about how upset he is that he couldn't get off work.

Monday 17

Shock the world, Stripper Sam actually showed up at the last minute on Friday. We all were shocked. We got all excited about the trip and I pulled out of a gas station and came so close to getting smashed that I was shaking for the first 50 miles or so. It was so close that I was pulling my left leg up to try to save as much of it as possible, if I made it. I guess my instincts took over 'cause I had no time to think. I gassed it across the lane and he just missed me but now I was in oncoming traffic. The guy in the oncoming lane saw it and gave me a place to go. Whew. I was so mad at myself because usually I'm Mr. Safety. I let the excitement of the run cloud my thinking. Anyway, Stripper Sam made about 50 miles when the casesaver came off and somehow got sucked up into his shifter linkage. He has a Shovel with the cow paddy top 4-speed. He couldn't shift it and we pulled over. I pulled the remnants of the casesaver out and it was fine, but he started saying how much further, and maybe I should go back. The candy was coming out.

Well we all talked him into going on but he only made it about 50 miles more when his intake manifold started leaking and he was backfiring all over the place--the result of him working on his bike again. I told him we could fix it but we would have to ride the last 70 miles in the dark. About that time some guys with a truck and trailer just appeared out of nowhere and said they would take him home. He left with them and the rest of us went on. We found out later that the guys were with the Bikers For Jesus Club. Try to imagine Stripper Sam with his freaky ink and his "gotta be chronic hippy lettuce, can't be just any old stuff" riding with the preacher man. They took him to dinner and they had a special prayer meeting where they prayed for Sam, before they took him home. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall.

Back to the run. We camped on the Buffalo River Friday night. There was this homeless couple who were living in a tent. They gave us a big pile of firewood and we let them party with us. They were a hoot. I laughed till my side hurt. 3 Beer Mo was staggering around drunk real early. Well, you know, after the third beer. We thought he broke his arm one time when he fell, but he was just bruised. I can't help but laugh at his sad ass. It got down into the 50s overnight so I was cold in my tent, but I was just glad it wasn't hot.

We left Saturday and rode about 300 miles around in the mountains. We stopped every 50 miles or so and partied and swam in the river. Saturday, we rolled into the party town and got some rooms. We cleaned up and went and ate a big-ass 10-ounce filet. After dinner we went out to a club and partied for a little while, but it was a little too clean for me to have any fun. I did find an old tramp to go out in the parking lot to burn with and she let me play with the goods a little. I met her while we were waiting for the bathrooms to be free and she had a boyfriend at the club. She slipped out with me and he was in there looking for her. After we burned, I walked her back to the door and left.

We had met some guys from Hot Springs at the motel and we went back and partied by the pool with them. It became a big outdoor party with most of the people in the motel. The manager came out and told us others were complaining about the noise so we all crashed at about 2 a.m.

The ride home yesterday was as close to heaven as a man can get down here on the dirt. Two hundred trouble-free, rain-free, 70-degree, cloudy sky miles of a good mountain rode that you can keep a 75 mph pace on. Mailed myself three postcards, and took two rolls of pictures. Well I'm back to the hell of my job and I feel like shit. Good thing I'm a prick for a living. I'll do good today.

Tuesday 18

What a beautiful day yesterday turned out to be. I made a good check, the weather was great, and nothing bad came my way. I got another call from the juvenile girl and I asked her if she wanted to go on a small trip with me today. I have to travel a little in my insurance whore job and it's usually just a 50- or 60-mile deal. If I don't have to see anyone, I ride my bike.

People freak on me when I ride my bike because they are expecting suit and tie guy and I'm not that, even in my car. Well today is a photo-the-scene type of deal and I'm not on a schedule. It's out in the hills and will be a great ride, even if she don't go. Sometimes I can't believe I'm getting paid. I would for sure take this chick on a 50-mile trip for free and, hell, I might even take some pictures. I doubt I could sell them to the insurance company but you might want to buy some.

Anyway, after work I took my girl to a little pizza place downtown for dinner, then we rode down to where they're pissing away millions of dollars on a shrine for slick Billy boy. It will make a nice reflection on the river for when we are out on the titty bar tour, though.

They have just dug up the road and we found a spot where the old brick pavers had been exposed from under layer after layer of pavement. I got a screwdriver and got me a couple of bricks and took them home. I'm building a brick bbq grill and I'll put the bricks in it where you can see them so I'll have something to tell about while we're drinking and partying around the grill. The sunset on the water was dynamic.

We sat on the stage where they do the outdoor concerts and burned a big old fatty. I predicted to her that we would not want the ride home to end and I was right. It's a problem for me. I want it to last, but the road is so good that I have to go a thousand miles a hour. It's in the city, but it's curvy and hilly with four lanes. I can't count the times that police officers have advised me of the speed limit on this stretch of road, but not yesterday. It was great.

Wednesday 19

Another great day yesterday. Juvenile girl went with me on my road trip. She looked great. I love a great ass, low-cut jeans with the thong hanging out. Damn, she's fine. She's going with me on a longer road trip today, but we're taking her car. She loves to ride but we want to talk and burn while we travel. I love my job. After work I took my girl to a little grill to eat and found out that Poorhouse Pete has been fired. I was surprised to learn that Stripper Sam hired him to bartend at Miss Cat's. This all must have happened while I was on the campout. I talked to Sam yesterday and he was bitching about his bike and wanting me to come over and help. My cell phone cut out and I hung up and turned the power off. Anyone who works on his bike will be blamed for the next thing that breaks. Been down that road. Fools make the same mistake twice.

After dinner we went to a place where there are those little skateboard freaks doing tricks. We sat there and watched the sun set on the river while the freaks were trying to kill themselves. I was saying "can you do this or that" and they would try so they would look cool. Needless to say, it was very entertaining watching them smash their little heads on the concrete. I'm fucked up that way. The ride home was great but too short, of course.

Thursday 20

Dammit, my bike is broke. I've had problems with my shift linkage before but now the splines on the shifter shaft are coming out of the transmission--it won't shift. Me and Nutcase Ned drank an ungodly amount of beer while pulling the tranny. I can't believe how far you have to whittle the bitch to get that mother out.

Nutcase took it with him and he's gonna go through it today or tomorrow. The sad part is that I have two bikes, making payments on one of them, and I'm fucking walking. Why is it when you sprawl your bike, your desire to ride it skyrockets. Anyway, glad it happened now instead of halfway to Sturgis.

Tiny came over while we were working on it and asked a bunch of stupid questions. Why you gotta do that? What's that for? Shit like that. He's a dresser guy and gets a new bike every other year. He can't spin an oil filter on, but he lays down about 40k in miles a year. Oh yeah, I almost forgot about the road trip with juvenile girl. We went the long way to and from, and it took about five hours to do a two-hour trip. She's so easy to look at, and doesn't say much. She just looks pretty and laughs at everything. I've got it good.

So far, none of the gang are on to us, but her roommate keeps asking her who's she's been with. She knows juvenile girl is up to something, but what? It's getting more fun by the day.

Thursday 20

I can't make that much commitment to anyone, but I do party with all those guys. Me, Nutcase Ned, Stripper Sam, and Indian Ray laugh about our "club." We call it SH (Shit Howdy) M/C because that's our attitude. It's a club of one, even though there are four "members." It's all just a joke.

Friday 21

Well Im, again, in trouble with big boss man. I took off work today and I didn't tell him. He's still pissed about last week. The good news is I made him a big old paycheck this week and he ain't gonna do shit. Me and my girl went out to dinner with Cat and Stripper Sam last night and got a little drunk. My bike is still sprawled waiting on Nutcase Ned to do transmission work. We took my old rag top Buick, which is OK but it's just not the same.

I woke up late and just couldn't drag myself to work. I have however had the energy to clean my hardware, starter, primary stuff, inspect the clutch, and wash the frame area I can get to while the tranny is out. Plus, we had oil and shit everywhere in my shop, and I cleaned it up and put my tools up. Damn, I should have gone to work.

Tiny is getting married next weekend and the whole gang of us are taking him out to Cat's for a bachelor party tonight. I've already said my apologies to Mike and Miss Cat for what we'll do. I want to ride so bad I can't fucking sleep. If I don't get my tranny back tomorrow, I'll move in with Nutcase and get on his nerves till he does it. That shit is over my head. I'm a style guy. Nutcase is the drivetrain guy. Oh well, I'll tell 3-Beer to let me ride to the store tonight and I won't come back for a while. Maybe that will give me the fix I need.

Monday 24

Tiny's party was great. We all went out to Cat's and had a hoot of a time. Indian Ray is a country boy who only comes into town to buy Jim Beam. His old lady usually takes care of everything else. Well, when you do get him in town he just don't know how to act. He was squeezing all the girls' asses, and thinking they are just there for his entertainment.

Stripper Sam came over and asked me to make him stop and I would tell him to keep his hands off the girls, and he would say "she liked it." I didn't think he would ever leave. Even after last call and we were herding the pervs out, Wayne was still playing pool and "over whooping" at the girls. Finally, me and Mike just pulled his ass out the door.

Nutcase Ned didn't show up. He got some funk and was throwing up at work and shit. Saturday my girl told me that there was going to be a meteor shower. She's into that kind of shit. She asked Roger's girl to go out to the country with us and watch the shooting stars. We usually go to this spot on the river about 20 miles out of town in the convertible, make some cocktails, lay out on the hood and watch the sky.

Well if you're keeping up, juvenile girl lives with Roger's girl and you know my night got way more interesting when they both showed up. My girl isn't really a jealous girl but when she knows something's up she's a violent bitch. Well after a few cocktails, I couldn't keep my eyes off of that beautiful girl. She was looking at me with those big old eyes and dammit, I just don't think it's fair that I couldn't have them both right then. Yes, I'm a dreamer.

Anyway, while we were down there, someone locked the gate and we couldn't get out. I walked the ditches and finally found a small opening next to a tree. We rode through the grass for about 300 yards and my big-ass Buick just barely fit through the gap. The ladies were impressed with my drunk skills. We didn't get home till about 4 a.m. I just laid up in the bed and watched the race yesterday.

Damn. I'm back at work, and my bike is still broke. FUUUCK.

Tuesday 25

I'm dying a slow, agonizing death without my transmission. The gas for that damn Buick is breaking me. Eight miles to the gallon, at best. I went over to Stripper Sam and Cat's house for dinner last night. He still hasn't gotten his bike back on the road yet. Somehow it has gone from the intake leaking, to his clutch hub is ruined. I don't know and I didn't ask. I just write it up to Sam has been working on his bike again. He got into a big old thing with Ruthman a while back and has gone out to those guys at 4A cycles. They do really good work but they don't have any parts. You have to order everything. Ruthman has it all. I don't know how but you can get shit you would never dream anyone would stock. Not chrome and stuff but drivetrain and chassis parts. It's hard to wait when you know Ruthman's got it. Anyway, Mike is gonna have to go to Ruthman today and get the hub. He would rather have his ass whipped as to go in there to Ruthman and buy something. But it's inevitable--he will take the bike to Nutcase Ned in the end. He doesn't have the patience to wait for Old Dawg to get the parts.

I am gonna go to Ruthman's to see if Nutcase is dodging me. I haven't heard a word since Saturday when I had cooter on my mind. I got some nasty old Miller beer in my fridge and I need somebody to drink it. He likes that shit. It just makes me pee. I need the headache machine of the old red devil, Budweiser. Anyway I think he's feeling bad that he hasn't got my shit fixed so I'll go ease his mind and then I'm going to jack Ruthman about why Nutcase is changing tires for the goobs all day Saturday when he's had my trans for four days. I know that is a big part of his shop but there needs to be some kind of order. It won't take Nutcase two hours to do my trans and the goobs can wait in line. They aren't going to ride those bikes anyway.

I want to get my shit back and get some miles on it before the 3,000-mile, 9-day trip to Sturgis and back. If I'm going to have problems, I want to have them now while I have time to tighten up.