The babe with swivelin'
hips brought the meeting to a halt. Her jetting melons distracted us from
the clinking tumblers of Jack on the rocks she carried on a mirrored tray
that reflected her bouncing nipples. It was all a ruse to get us off the
subject of a feature outlining Bandit's history of bikes he's owned, built,
and roared around on. They all knew that only Jack Daniel’s or women would
get him off the dime. "I refuse to promote my bullshit on the site," Bandit
hollered, "goddamnit!"
"But the riders want to see the shit-boxes
you've been guiding around while loaded on mind-altering chemicals," Zebra
said. "Hell, for all they know, you're a pimp in Las Vegas driving a '72
pink Eldo wearing rhinestones and fringe.
"Yeah, Bandit," said Wrench, "that's where
the brothers get ideas on how not to build a bike—from your shit. Most
of it is nearly impossible for anyone who doesn't drink Jack Daniel’s by
the quart to ride."
"Besides," Oz piped up, "the guys want
to know why Congress is always threatening new laws. One of the bikes you
built in the mid-'80s caused a senator to try and outlaw motorcycles altogether.
You get more tickets on a weekend than most of us will pick up in a lifetime
of drinking and riding."
"Hey, but some of the shots have young
girls in 'em," Snake slurred, sliding off his bar stool onto the floor,
mumbling to himself about the girls’ bodacious tatas and firm asses.
Nothing seemed to be resolved by this meeting.
The same subject comes up at every Bikernet conference, and every time
the staff has the big biker convinced that it might not be a bad idea,
something develops and distracts them, like Lola Valana in spandex and
silicone. The Jack is poured, the fleshy broads come in, and the point
of our efforts is fucked.
Well, fuck that Bandit bastard. We sent
Lexi over to distract the tall devil while we ransacked his joint for photos.
The following is a ridiculous history of Bandit's two-wheeled creations
with captions about each one. If you want to know more, don't hesitate
to write us. By the time slick dick finds out, it'll be too late and he'll
have to answer your questions.
—Nuut Boy
Bandit's Bikes:
Pan Rat
'72 Shovel
1948 Panhead
Bandit's First Evo
Bandit's First
Rubbermount
1931 VL
Bandit I
1992 Dyna Glide
1946 Chief
Touring Chopper
1958 Triumph
1946 Dicey Knucklehead
1997 Street
Stalker
1984 Mexican Police
Bike
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